January 29th – Jesus H. Chrysalis, what is it with
drummers…!? Huh? I mean, it’s not as though they’re a super-stupid breed is it?
(One comment at a time, please) they don’t have a tendency to point at
aeroplanes and are no longer just the band’s metronome are they? They can be
seen out in public on their own and be heard as a fully-fledged instrumentalist
on a par with the lead guitarist, the vocalist, the bassist…Oh, OK, strike that last one, just on a par with everyone
else in the band except the bassist then… One only has to listen to the chops
that guys like Marco Minnimann, Hector Lech and Navene Koperweis are cutting to
realise that. So why is it that, of all musicians, drummers’ seem to be the
one’s who go to the great super-group in the sky well before other band
members…and with monotonous regularity? Drunken
car crashes (very common) diabetes complications, brain haemorrhages, death by
fire (on this day 1995, Ken Jenson of D.O.A. – apocryphal name for a band,
considering his eventual outcome) drug overdoses (lots) death by motorbike
(quite a few) pesticide, someone else’s vomit – oh, hang on that’s a fiction…isn't
it? A total of 18 in 2005 alone…! With that sort of a longevity clause in your
recording contract, I’m surprised anyone signs:
Prospective Drummer. “What’s this?”
Band’s Manager. “What?”
Prospective Drummer. “This! Right after
its written ‘…will have no input into the song-writing credentials of the band,
even if the aforementioned drummer for the aforementioned band writes the
lyrics…’ this bit about, ‘…will undertake to self-immolate, become lunch for a
shark whilst recording album 2 (two) in the Bahamas or otherwise meet with a
spectacular death before the end of the first tour so as to gain the greatest
amount of publicity for the aforementioned band. No Lardy-Arsed, pussy-whipped
demise will be accepted. Death, other than that stipulated within this contract
of employment (under the ‘Short-Term Principles Guide No.7 Para. 18 – Line 12
through 13 regulations) will cause such a death to be null and void and all
contractual obligations terminated.’ That bit.”
Band’s Manager. “Oh, that. That’s
nothing. Just a bit of agency jargon. The sooner you sign, the sooner the first
delivery of Ketamine arrives…”
Do those in management expect, after
that kind of a sell, that the drummer is SO stupid he/she will just say, “Oh,
OK, if you say so.”
I know drummers are considered flaky
by other band members, that is if you can take any notice of what three or four
ego-suckers say, but you have to ask yourself, ‘What is it that drives them to
these extreme measures of tom-foolery?’ I can tell you. It’s having to work
with singers (one of the only times in life when the arsehole is at the front)
lead guitarists (the thing they have in common with sperm is they, too, have a
one in three million chance of becoming a human being) and bass players (their
contraceptive is their personality). That’s what drives drummers, these
consummate musicians, to an intriguing demise and early grave, just having to
spend time with those three personalities (and I use that term in its loosest
possible sense). From the available industry figures it would seem the minute a
drum set and the other band members arrive on the scene the drummer’s life-clock
starts ticking.
Probably just as well that, as a
drummer, you’ll probably not be able to tell the time…
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