How to lose friends and alienate people

October 2^nd – Like a little bit of vomit that comes up when you burp, I can still taste the after-burn of bad Country and Western music. The worst of them all gotta be Old Shep, hasn’t it? I can hear voices of dissent, so, in an effort to clarify, I give you my personal breakdown of Old Shep – written by Clyde J. Foley and Arthur Willis, together with My Explanations to the Runes and Hidden Meanings Contained Therein and Why It Tries To Make Us Out To Be Stupid.

Line 1 – When I was a lad

Arbitrary opening right there, giving a hazy approximation of ages of the owner and therefore the dog in question thereby trying (unsuccessfully as you will see) to put us on the back foot.

Line 2 – And old Shep was a pup

Now, he can’t be both. He can either be old or he can be a pup. Being old signifies advanced age and experience and so would make the dog mentioned at the close of the work ancient, so ancient Shep would have been a better title, wouldn’t it?

Line 3 – Over the hills and meadows we’d stray

So, no laws of trespass in the good ole’ U S of A then?

Line 4 – a boy and his dog

Yes. Yes. A boy and his dog…we’ve worked that bit out…it’s about a boy and his dog. Thank you for reiterating that point for us.
Line 5 – We were both full of fun

It may have escaped your notice, Mr Songwriter (not ours though) that a dog is not human and so has no concept of the word fun. All the dog is doing is running round aimlessly because the boy is. If the boy stopped so would the dog. That’s because dogs are basically a pack animal and so rely on the rules as laid down by the pack leader (in old Shep’s unfortunate case, you) to give them an idea of what allowable behaviour can be undertaken in the pack environment.

Line 6 – We grew up together that way

Did you? Did you really? Would have been difficult not to grow up though, wouldn’t it? Not unless one of you died…ooppsss, plot spoiler… skip that. So, elucidate that line a little; in what way did you grow up? I mean, all we have to go on at present is that you and a dog ran around aimlessly, you because you were full of fun, the dog because it was lacking in anything but pack-sense and so obliged to the same because you did, no ageing process happening here.

Line 7 – I remember the time at the old swimmin’ hole

Bit hard to visualise this. You see, erm, a hole is, well, just a hole. Screw hole, coal hole, ear hole? Could be any depth hole…no depth hole; it could be you could’ve used some common sense and just stood up: no, no OK, that would have made the rescue you are about to describe a little foolish, No. Well, OK then, how about the old swimmin’ lake? A lake is better, bigger, would’ve made Shep out to be much braver than have him wading out in a foot of water to rescue you only to have you stand up and discover the water was only knee deep…y’know? Ah, just spotted the difficulty; end-of-line rhyming…yes, I see, hole and doubt…’course… silly me.

Line 8 – When I would have drowned without doubt

You mean to tell me you couldn’t swim and yet you foolishly went out in the old swimmin’ hole? Are you mad? And then you risk the life of a dog, a dog you were supposed to be caring for, a dog you would have to blow away later on in the…? Ah, OK, OK, sorry, sorry, thought you knew. OK, unread that last bit.

Line 9 – But old Shep was right there

Irresponsible behaviour on your part, I’d say, making an old dog swim out to you to save your useless carcass, but, let that pass. Might be stating the obvious but probably a good job he was right there; would’ve been little use in California, wouldn’t he? Him in California, you splashing about in Shitkicker Park, Arkansas.

Line 10 – To the rescue he came

Yes.Yes. You’re spinning the tale out a little now. We’ve got it; he rescued you, obviously, otherwise how’d you be telling this sob story… huh?

Line 11 – He jumped in and then pulled me out

Well he could hardly have done it the other way round, could he? That would make him super-dog, wouldn’t it? Just think yourself lucky. You go into the old swimmin’ hole when you can’t swim? Think yourself lucky he didn’t think to himself; What an arse. Fuck this, I’ll stay dry and just scratch big rocks into the water, try and splash him to the shore; fucking idiot.

Line 12 – As the years fast did roll

What!? What kind of English is that? As the years fast did roll? No wonder the American educational establishments are struggling to get their students to speak proper. How about, As the years rolled quickly by or, the years moved on apace or the years went by all too fast? NO, hang on; go for the first one, As the years rolled quickly by. It’s a C&W song; it’ll rhyme with cry.

Line 13 –Old Shep he grew old

(?) Stating the obvious does not make an interesting lyric…and he couldn’t grow young, it’s already been done, by Benjamin Button. And how can an old dog get old? I mean, how is that possible? He can get older…but if he’s already old then… Could the song not have been called Young Shep, then young Shep could’ve become old Shep, hence, Young Shep he grew old? Makes much mores sense, or are we stretching the bounds of credulity to mention the sense word…?

Line 14 – His eyes were fast growing dim

Is this taken as a natural progression for an ageing dog, gradual blindness? Or does this mean that, after hanging around with a non-swimming boy who deliberately risks his life in the old swimmin’ hole, thereby causing the dog to risk his, that the said dog’s eyesight is beginning to match its intellect?

Line 15 – And one day the doctor looked at me and said 

No vets in Backwoodstown or wherever it is the tale is set then? Or did you think it was OK to take up valuable physician time, time that could and should’ve been spent on looking after Gramps and his in-growing toenail or demanding a never-ending supply of bowls of hot water and plenty of towels; that it was OK to take up valuable physician time with an inevitable process that all living creatures go through; i.e. the aging process leading to their eventual demise? What did you think? That a doctor could halt the ageing process but a veterinary surgeon couldn’t? I’ve got news for you, Jim, there are only two things can halt the ageing process; an early death or a jumbo pot of Bio Retinoid.

Line 16 – I can do no more for him, Jim

Doctor-schmoctor. Probably a good thing he hadn’t the time to look after Gramps; poor bugger wouldn’t have stood a chance. Doc would’ve taken one look at the toe and said; I can do no more for Gramps, champs. I bet old Shep was pissed if that’s all the doc could come up with in his case; This canine quadruped is gonna snuff it. Bet there was nary a tail-wag at that little bomb-shell.

Line 17/18/19 – With hands that were trembling, I picked up my gun, and aimed it at Shep’s faithful head

Whoa! Fuck Me! Hang On! Jesus, what’s this all about? Some guardian of your lifelong canine friend you are! The canine friend who risked all to save your floundering ass in the old swimmin’ hole! The nano-second the words leave the doc’s mouth that old Shep’s eyesight might not be as great as it was you’re picking up the scattergun and wishing him off’f the planet! I think he deserved a little more thought than that.

Line 20 – I just couldn’t do it

Oh, really? After having seen you in action in lines 17 thro’ 19 my guess is you just couldn’t find the cartridges
Line 21 – I wanted to run

Cissy
Line 22 – I wish they would shoot me instead

No comment

Line 23/24/25 – He came to my side, and looked up at me, and laid his old head on my knee

Yes, yes, old head. We’d worked that out. It was attached to an old dog so what would we expect it to be, the head of a 13 week old Labrador puppy? Oh, BTW, were his teeth bared when he did this ’cos if not hey should’ve been. Be grateful he didn’t piss on your leg. All you deserved.

Line 26 – I had struck the best friend that a man ever had

You struck the best…? You said aimed, aimed the gun! Now we discover you whacked him with it! I’m surprised he came within ten yards of you…if the RSPCA was a viable organisation, I’d set them on you as well as the dog

Line 27 – I cried so I scarcely could see 
See enough to smack him one with the gun though, huh?

Line 28/29 – Old Shep he has gone, where the good doggies go
One assumes he dodged the bullet, the bullet you were seemingly so eager to fire, and died of old age? And pray tell, where’s that, this place where the good doggies go? You make a supposition that we, the listener, are on the same asteroid belt as you are and so can decipher these allusions, that we have the same religious footprint as you. And if we don’t, is it the dog pound he’s gone too? A comfy sofa and an oodling supply of hot-buttered toast? An area in perpetual sun (with a small shaded area for when it gets too hot) and a plentiful supply of cool drinking water? Do tell. Where has old Shep gone to? I think it would be very upsetting for us if you were trying to tell us in your knockabout, childish manner that he had, indeed, kicked the bucket.

Line 30 – And no more with old Shep will I roam’

No, not unless you drag his lifeless body round the yard on a rope you won’t
Line 31/32 – But if dogs have a heaven, there’s one thing I know

You’ve just told us he’s gone where the good doggies go but now seem insecure as to whether that place exists; I sense cracks in the plasterwork of your limited understanding of the tenets surrounding death and the afterlife, but never mind. Is that the sum total of all you’ve taken away from your interaction with, supposedly and by your own admission, the best friend you ever had? One thing? And that is that dogs, when they die, go, more than likely, to an unmapped, undiscovered area floating somewhere above us in the clouds called doggie-heaven? Can you imagine how crowded it would be to have a heaven full of decrepit and possibly incontinent canines? I mean, apart from the cramped condition, who cleans up? (You’d want the nappy-sack contract though, wouldn’t you) But that silver-lining aside, it’d be hellish noisy, wouldn’t it? Would they have, say, an angel Caesar? Could we cross over from our human heaven and take them for the odd walk, those that could? Could we have them over for the evening to lie next to us on a cloud-sofa as we watch endless re-runs of Bruce Almighty, It’s a Wonderful Life and A Matter of Life and Death?

Line 33 – Old Shep has a wonderful home

Certainly better than the one he had previously where a boy was willing to blow him away as soon as he’d lost the ability to see enough to have fun.

On this day in 1954, a ten-year-old Elvis Presley sang this song at the Mississippi-Alabama fair and Dairy Show in a talent contest; he came second. He’s lucky they didn’t dump him in the old swimmin’ hole there and then and tie old Shep up so no rescue could take place then we wouldn’t have to sit through this drivel endlessly…