The Bachelors: Waste of good plastic?

August 13^th – Question: Was there ever a more pointless pop group than, The Bachelors? Discuss.

In every genre and block of recorded genius, Hendrix, say or Zappa or, if you like, Sinatra there’s always going to be a dweeb or group of dweebs who drag the whole decade down to a level that’s below the deck upon which the barrel they’ve been scraping is placed and it’s difficult to soar like an eagle when you’re accompanied by turkeys.

The ‘60’s’ were an exciting, kaleidoscopic, arse-out-of-trousers time to live and the music of those years reflected that sense of discovery and, for want of a better word, danger. There was a twitchy nervousness that permeated just about everything that was posited as the way forward; it brought a level of authenticity to the truism, the only constant is change. Look at these lists and decide which ones you’d like to take to a metaphorical party and which you’d like to take to a metaphorical gallows.

1960’s: The Yardbirds - The Spencer Davis Group – Herman’s Hermits – The Rolling Stones – Freddie and the Dreamers – Cream –Pink Floyd – Sandie Shaw

1970’s: Yes – Jethro Tull – The New Seekers – The Clash – Fairport Convention – The Osmonds – The Bay City Rollers – The Jeff Beck Group

1980’s: Duran Duran – The Gang of Four – The Cure – Bucks Fizz – The Levellers – Wham! – Def Leppard – Soft Cell

1990’s: Simply Red – Oasis – The Spice Girls – Metallica – Wet Wet Wet – REM – Take That – Prodigy – Michael Jackson – The Verve

2000’s: Blink 182 – Britney Spears – Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Backstreet Boys – Sclub Seven – Steps – Destiny’s Child – Geri Halliwell – Moby – Truesteppers

Now, I don’t know how your list shaped up but one thing for certain, for me, there were only three taken from the list of the 2000’s… Bugger me, there was some shit about then wasn’t there; and, unfortunately, still is as the decades roll on and everything that was once musically stimulating is reduced down to a vote-rigged fuckin’ game show… Never mind, good thing we’re all different or we’d all be listening to Ronan Keating and where would the world be then, hm?

However, all that miserabalist chat to one side, nothing can compare to the dismal array of hits and popular songs churned out by our headline band for today: The Bachelors. ‘Charmaine’, ‘Ramona’, ‘I Believe’, and that standout, mawkish, insincere and dubious gem, ‘In the Chapel in the Moonlight’; these were all charting singles, most of them number ones, and they were part of the phenomena of this singing Irish trio consisting of two brothers, Conleth and Declan Clusky who had a crash-course in signing (‘cos, well, to begin with, apparently, they couldn’t) and a bass player, John Stokes, who apparently couldn’t play or sing…ever. His voice was once referred to by one of the Clusky brothers as;

‘Similar to a drowning rat.’

Never has there been a better example of the level of fame not necessarily equating to the level of talent conundrum that stalks the world of popular music.

So, in the beginning, after an initial period of near starvation, the two brothers managed to sort out a third member, Mr. Stokes, and The Bachelors were begotten. They’ve sold millions of records, done TV and movies…and also had one of the messiest and most publicised splits in the pop pantheon of messy splits and as you all well know they were up against some fierce competition. Court cases, secret recordings, boardroom brutalities, name battles, law suits and pay-offs, deals reneged on, concerts disrupted, stage walk-offs, compensation deals, breaches of court orders, contempt of court proceedings and full-page disclaimers each and both claiming the rights to use of the stage name ‘The Bachelors’; personally speaking, after a listen to the back-catalogue, I would’ve been tempted to hand it on, but, I guess the money involved would diffuse many a temper tantrum. They’re still gigging even now, well two of them are from what I can work out, but the rancour still continues. Outside their venues and in the lead up to performances Messer’s Con and Dec post the following note: -

 Please inform us if you see this ‘bogus Bachelors’ act advertised, quoting the venue, the promoter and the date. We will send you a nice ‘goodie bag’ of current material as a thank you. You will know them from these pictures. Kevin Neill [RIP] has been dead some time but still features on some advertising. It would appear that Dave Pearson has replaced him.

 Ah, the things fame can do to you…