You wanna buy a ticket, mate?

February 9th – The winter months seem to be a time when all large gatherings for musical events should be avoided. Maybe it’s the drop in temperature or that there’s been a gradual increase in the number of arses working in the rock ‘n’ pop world…? We were talking yesterday…well I was, you were reading it and thinking, ‘Yes, here’s another arse to add to the collection’, talking yesterday about how people so singularly ill-equipped to even gain employment as an assistant’s assistant on a whelk stall seem to be able to shoe-horn themselves into positions of work where there really is a need for a certain level of intelligence above that of Cro-Magnon. So, as the numbers of tragedies at such musical events seem to increase exponentially as the end of the year approaches, here’s your International Cut-Out-And-Keep guide to help you avoid being caught up such terrible events. 

All things start at the entrance to the venue where FoH (Front of House) personnel are based so let’s start by discussing ‘death at the overloaded disco’ caused by an inability to count; something you’d think would be of prime importance when interviewing a person to put in charge of a venues’ loading capacity.

Case Study 1 – On this day in 2008 in Indonesia, ten people died (crushed to death) at a metalcore concert. The venue was licensed (?) to hold 700 but somehow a handful more folk managed to shuffle past the security and FoH staff. It was when the number of people inside the venue reached 1500 that problems began…1500… That’s more than twice; twice the legal limit! So, how come? Well, my guess is either:

1) Money’s changing hands.

2) Security or FOH staff are incompetent. 

3) Both/All of the above

I can't see any other explanation. So:

Rule No. 1 – If the venue is small and the band big (which usually means a sell-out), no matter how much you’ve looked forward to this night, no matter how sub-zero cool it will be to be seen there, no matter if this was the lead-in to you proposing to the one you love; if, as a ticket-holder to the event, you see people paying cash to get in at the front door or large groups of people clambering over a wall and in through the back door, don’t go in. Go someplace else. That way you can propose to the one you love and get the added bonus of spending a long life together.

Case Study 2 – As a further qualification of what to look for, my advice is get to the gig early. Suss out the venue’s size and capacity, sort out the exits and check how they are secured, check the number of fire extinguishers but, most importantly, look at the stage layout. If it’s a small club gig with a low, tiled ceiling which has elderly furniture dotted about the place in the form of old sofas and such (the owners trying to be cool and cosmopolitan) and you see ANYTHING that even REMOTELY resembles pyrotechnics on the stage; get the hell out. I've found, on the whole that most stage crew are dedicated, safety-conscious individuals. Unfortunately those who have the intellectual capacity of a walnut and the nightly chemical intake of a hospital drugs cabinet are usually put in charge of firing the pyros… The number of tragic fires caused by ‘an inappropriate use of pyrotechnic effects’ may not be the most frequent of events but when they do happen they certainly are the most deadly as evidenced by: The Station Nightclub – 100 dead. Santika Club – 66 dead. Republica Cromanon Club – 194 dead.

So, Rule No. 2 – Small club, stage pyros and furniture of foam? Get hat, coat and bag and fuck off home.

Case Study 3 – In the past, security on most nightclubs and gig events was often thought to be questionable in both manners and efficacy. In many cases, due to the intransigence of drunken punters, it was thought wise to employ people with a high retaliation quotient but, over the years club door policy has been refined and a level of training introduced as well as a dress code. 

So, Rule No. 3 – If you get to a gig and see that the front door is peopled by gentlemen or ladies who have a less than sartorial elegance, who’s jackets display a blood-spattered skull and crossbones and slogans such as 'Kill 'em All' or 'Bonecrusher Securities'…? Give the gig a miss. 

Meredith Hunter was stabbed to death by an Altamont security guard and three others died at that festival (although there were four births recorded there too so a quid pro quo going on). But, even with a line-up including The Rolling Stones (you know my take on them but I would've sat through it) Santana, Jefferson Airplane, the Grateful Dead and CSNY, even with that stellar line-up, I’d just as well miss it than run the risk of becoming, apart from Meredith, bless her, just another statistic.