May 3rd – One thing I’ve learnt. Never, never name a band you
are in something like, ‘Drowned In Piss’, or ‘Shagged To Death By A Gaggle Of
Wart Hogs…But In A Really Bad Way’ ‘cos life has a funny way of showing its
sense of humour; I still think Iwrestledabearonce are chancing their arm.
You’ll all know the Mr. Ziegland story?
OK, well for those who've not heard it, I’ll do it very
briefly…here goes;
In 1883, Mr. Ziegland dumped his
girlfriend who took her own life in distress. The girlfriend’s brother took
revenge by shooting Mr. Ziegland then, in his own remorse, shot himself. But he
hadn't killed Mr. Ziegland. The bullet had grazed Mr. Ziegland’s face before
lodging in a tree but the forse of the bullet knocked him out. However, after
recovering he then moved on to lodge in the tree that had been so instrumental
in his lucky escape. Years later, Mr. Ziegland decided to cut down the tree,
but because it was so big he decided to use dynamite: the explosion propelled
the bullet out of the tree and into Mr. Ziegland’s head killing him outright;
like I just wrote, life has a funny way of showing its sense of humour.
Most bands pick a name ‘cos, to them,
it sounds cool, Trouble is the key words here are, to them; to everyone else it probably sounds lame-ass and dumb.
Like ‘Porno for Pyros’ or ‘The The’…FFS… or…Oh, sorry, that might confuse; FFS
isn't a band name it’s a comment BTW…BTW wasn't a band name either that’s also
a comment…this gets worse… Or how about ‘Mr. Mister’ (may as well call your
band ‘Wanker Wanker’). ‘Panic! At The Disco’ (so important, that exclamation
mark…and looking like they do…'Dweebs! At The Disco' would suit them better)
and then there’s my three favourites;
Enuff Z’Nuff; you know you’re working with dross
when you realise the band’s collective IQ meant they had absolutely no idea the
opportunity they were offering to the people who saw their show…bless.
Archers of Loaf!!!; Jeeeze; these are supposedly
adults. Can you credit that? I mean ‘!!!’ is ridiculous; for a start there’s
eight of them in the band so it should read ‘!!!!!!!!’Maybe they though only
three of them were worthy of an exclamation mark. I’d like to think, after
picking a name like that, each exclamation mark would represent the sound of
the bullets fired at them.
Anyhow, back to the list;
When someone gives their band the name, Gravity Kills. Well, they ought to know how much they were tempting fate. Given the route that fate travels they picked a name that would be doing its level best to prove them right, and it made a good start. The keyboardist of the band, Doug Firley, on this day in 2002, dropped his keyboard on his hand and shattered the bones in his finger. So, in their case, if gravity doesn’t actually kill it certainly maims, ergo Gravity Maims would be a better name possibly? Given that inauspicious start though my advice would be to change the name to either;
When someone gives their band the name, Gravity Kills. Well, they ought to know how much they were tempting fate. Given the route that fate travels they picked a name that would be doing its level best to prove them right, and it made a good start. The keyboardist of the band, Doug Firley, on this day in 2002, dropped his keyboard on his hand and shattered the bones in his finger. So, in their case, if gravity doesn’t actually kill it certainly maims, ergo Gravity Maims would be a better name possibly? Given that inauspicious start though my advice would be to change the name to either;
The Fluffy Pillows Snuggle
or
A Decent Bed In A Hotel Room Followed By A Good Night's Sleep.
That way
they’d avoid any further, grave consequences caused by picking a stoopid name
for a band.
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