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Saturday, May 31, 2014

If you don't behave we'll ship you off to Milton Keynes

May 31st – There’s lots of places that have a ring of tarnished hope about them. When I was working for The Game Conservancy, back in the 70’s, I lived in Milton Keynes… All of the propaganda and hype surrounding it was so far from the actuality it may as well have been describing an off-earth colony that no one would ever quite see. Galley Hill (a corruption of Gallows Hill…say no more) was a new-build of mono-pitch dwellings that the song Little Boxes was written for. Mind you, at least where we lived the houses were just semis. Up on Stantonbury they built terraced blocks a quarter of a mile long; if you came home pissed you could be trying the lock on every one else’s house...for hours. I’ll tell one day of my visit to one of these houses for dinner and of my trip to their toilet; not a pretty story that should serve as a warning to all.
One of the initiatives the Milton Keynes council came up with (in league with a desperate government of the time...and probably a pact with the Devil too) was to uproot and ship out 400 problem families from the East End of London and dump them on the Galley Hill Estate. Excellent. Well thought out demographics there. So, you get these folk from the 24 hour capitol of entertainment (in all its guises) and you dump them in a place where the only entertainment is watching the squirrels watching the house builders fell their woodland only interrupted by the odd hedgehog disagreement. There was no cinema, bowling alley, pub (!) club, youth club, night club…in fact the only club was an increase in membership of the pudding club, there being an awful lot of time on people's hands (and other members); that and the opportunity to haunt the myriad underpasses that served as safe access to the bright lights of Stony Stratford…which reminds me, that’s where I first discovered my love of wine; in an hotel restaurant in Stony Stratford, may even have been called the White Hart…? We had lunch there and I, in my wish to impress, ordered a bottle of 1970 Nuit St. George, grown and bottled by Bouchard Pere et Fils…simply magnificent. The bouquet and finish were the stuff of legend and I can still recall the sensation of that first sip…
Anyhow, Milton Keynes.
I think we were there for about a year before we moved out to Gayhurst (stop it…stop) in a farm cottage…wait a minute; I believe that was the place where one of the Guy Fawkes conspirators was captured as he tried to get a boat along the Ouse. He was harboured at Gayhurst House (I think Prince Gallitzin owned it when we were living there) and the tunnel that leads under the old Gayhurst Road, at the mouth of which the would-be assassin was captured, is still plainly visible as it leads onto the river…sorry, Milton Keynes…OK, well it’s not a place to plan your retirement…or anyone else’s...apart from a sworn enemy; and that’s how I feel about Redditch.
I can hear the roar of anger from here. Like Milton Keynes, I don’t say it’s a bad place to live, I just think the eventuality never quite lived up to the promise. I have several friends who either live or lived there and I have family that way too so my visits were, at one time back in the 70’s and 80’s, frequent. Never took to the place at all. An expanded conglomerate of housing designed by an architect who you just knew buggered off to his neo-classic pile in the Shires after his day was done. The housing boom of the 60’s/70’s has a lot to answer for…take a look at the Council HQ in Truro then try to tell me that’s architecture.
So, Redditch held no thrills for me…until I discovered that, on this day in 1948, John Bonham was born there! Oh, right; John Bonham – Led Zepplin. Why didn't you say so?
Right. So, where was I…oh, yes, Redditch… Well, as I've always said, a veritable jewel in the pantheon of English town planning and architecture. Marvellous. Oh, to be part of that state of grace that can only exist in such a place of tranquil beauty and uniformity. The grandeur, nay the majesty of its environs and inhabitants…

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