October 11th – It’s a wonder that a rock band which
makes the grade manages to stay together long enough to do just that.
There’s so much going against this struggling collection of
disparate, egocentric individuals that just making it through rehearsals is
often seen as a major achievement and it has to be said. I mean, would you want
to spend any amount of time with such a bunch of what quickly turns from;
bosom lay-down-your-life-for-in-times-of-adversity
buddies
into;
unadulterated turds
beyond the polishing
in the space of one short tour?
Me neither.
Trouble is, no matter what the original omens, every band
will contain one particular member (or cock,
if you will) who demands a separate truck to transport their ego round the
country in and who is convinced that without him/her the band would be nothing;
You hear me?
Nothing!
This means from the get-go they’ll never, ever make good
playmates and when you mix out-of-control egos with what are euphemistically
called helpful substances the poo will indeed hit the propeller and spray
everyone within three counties; witness The
Eagles, the Clash and the Smashing Pumpkins. The problem is
exacerbated when brothers or sisters are involved in the mix; witness The Everley Brothers, Oasis and The Kinks, and then gets really nasty
when spouses or partners are cited as unhelpful to the band’s dynamic by other
band members; witness Queensryche,
and Fleetwood Mac. But worst of all
is the band that doesn’t understand when the spark has been dimmed by
overindulgence and that the magic has, indeed, really and truly gone. How can
you tell? Well…
There’s a lot of things you can do in a rock band…but here is your cut-out-and-keep guide to ten things (10) you definitely can’t. These are the ten behavioural
traits that should be heeded if you want to escape the fall-out zone before what’s
left of your tattered reputation degenerates into foolishness and incontinence.
If someone: -
1 – Shags the lead guitarist’s girlfriend in the front of the
van whilst everyone else (including the lead guitarist) is loading the
equipment into the back of it post gig.
2 – Arrives late for the gig, pissed and dragging along
several freeloaders met at the puke-point of the pub next door who all want to
sing My Way.
3 – Goes on stage for the first night of a tour under-rehearsed
and relying on their star quality to get them through it then spends the entire
evening sniping on live mic about how the rest of the band aren’t committed
enough finishing with the line;
I mean, WTF did you do
with all that off-time you’ve had since the last tour?
4 – Brings their matrimonial troubles on-stage and spends the
night informing the audience, in between blubbing, about how badly they’ve been
treated before slagging off their now ex-partner and his/her fuck-buddy.
5 – Uses the audience as a sounding board for the noodling
shit they’ve just started to haul together from that gargantuan drug-fest they
entered into last week and which they insist will;
Just require a little
polishing for the next album
(Remember that turd reference of earlier? The noodling shit
is that bad and will even look poorer if you roll it in glitter); memo: as a
band, it’s your job to entertain them not the other way round.
6 – Believes their own press cuttings and thinks they can
rescue a shit side-project they’ve undertaken in a fit of pique by playing old
hits from the band that made them famous…but not with the members of that band.
Nothing worse than a vocalist…………
I was going to write something meaningful
after that line but on looking at it, that’ll do.
7 – Mistakes the words;
Cutting edge
sensationalism which is taking music in a startling new direction and will have
fans old and new storming the aisles to dance…
which they used to
describe their new musical venture, for the words;
An arsehole producing a
pile of shit
which is everyone
else’s description of their new musical venture, and yet still continue to
tour the show in the face of it all.
8 – Think they can fool the public by reading their lines
off’f an autocue d/s/c. Nothing worse than seeing an ageing rock god (ITOO) squinting at the floor throughout the set. And
no it doesn’t help if they put their reading glasses on the better to see…granddad rock god just doesn’t cut it.
9 – Outstay their welcome. When they need a Zimmer frame in
order to stay at the d/s/c mic for more than two songs, have need of a fresh
catheter bag if the show goes over the hour or need to have their guitar
dropped onto their shoulder by a stage-hand because they can’t bend down to
remove it from the stand without losing control of their lower bowel, then it
really is time to fuck off to slippers and pipe.
10 – Use a backing track and then play/sing out of time with
it.
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