October 16th – How famous is famous? I am a firm
believer in the fact that, if J.C. came back to this earth, apart from him
saying WTF, and that would be to himself…unless he landed in Darlaston in which
case he’d probably say;
Fuck this. Beam me up, Pappa
and we’d hear this reedy voice floating down to us as he
ascended;
Your fuck-up; you’re on
your own, suckers…
Apart from that less than appealing prospect, I figure no one
would recognise Mr. Christ. He’d certainly pass as just another itinerant in
any park in any major city; even his clothing would get him labelled as just
another hippy…unless he decided to take a stroll across the boating lake in
which case some compassionate citizen would dial 999 and the SWAT team would
turn out to deal with this fruit-loop of a wizard and shoot him down as a
threat to national security, the decision-making process behind the wasting of
Jesus (for the second time) being subject to the 30-year rule and David Cameron
taking the praise for making tough calls in tough times and saving the universe
from a fate worse than Andrew Snowden… him or God.
So, with that as starter, who do you think you would
recognise from the pantheon of those that render you star-struck? There’s a
couple of things working against you on these sorts of things; firstly, seeing
people out of context; let’s take a Dr. Who character as a starter. When you
clock, say, Benedict Cumberbatch (I’d really like to believe that’s his EQUITY
name and not the one he was christened with, otherwise I’d want to trade my
folks in as soon as I came of age) when you clock Benedict Cumberbatch in his
familiar garb of Dr. Who there’s an instant recognition factor that kicks in.
It’s the same sort of thing that happens when we see words that are miss-spelt
but the first and last letters are right. We can read such seeming gobbledegook
almost at the same speed we could read it were it spelt correctly. Well, when
we see a familiar figure on the TV but in a different role they are book-ended
with the previous signs and signals (voice, manner, stature, facial features,
well lit and advertised by the camera) that you’ve stored away to give you that
immediate recognition and the phwoarr
factor…if Benedict Cumberbatch is what floats y’ boat that is. But, take the
star’out of that environment, put them in day-clothes, slightly rumpled, and in
a Tesco and it’ll probably need a prolonged double-take for you to confirm your
first impressions.
Now, I’d probably struggle to recognise Mr. Cumberbatch even
if he was standing under a flashing neon sign which read;
This is Benedict
Cumberbatch
together with a pulsating red arrow over his head, but I’d
reckon on being able to recognise, say, Ava Gardner or Jane Russell (would be
startling, really, considering they’re both long dead but I’d recognise them)
and my guess is that it’s got something to do with what a woman feels it’s
necessary to do before she goes out and what a man feels is necessary. There
now, that surprised you didn’t it? There we are strolling together chatting
then I throw in a curve-ball like that. So, pay attention.
In the majority of cases (the majority) and depending on age,
I’d figure most women would want to put on a little light make-up, make the
best of their hair, a decent set of clothes and some comfy but arresting
footwear. Most men (most) would be satisfied if they were wearing a matching
pair of slippers, the ‘T’ shirt hadn’t got too much in the way of ketchup down
it and the coat covered their raggedy, Y-front arse: What’s that thing about
what a woman looks for in a man? – That he be:
Tender, loving, strong,
helpful, supportive, gentle, dedicated, honest, caring, sharing, kind,
understanding, emotive, conversational, listening, patient, attentive,
dependable, solicitous, considerate, vigilant, fastidious, loyal, courtly,
playful, amorous, poetical, learned, intelligent, interesting, experienced,
spoony, cherishing, gallant, gentlemanly, bedazzling, desirable, passionate,
affectionate, wooing, romantic, sympathetic, empathetic, truthful, amiable, pleasant,
well-mannered, honeying, cuddlesome, sentimental, devoted, demonstrative,
ardent, amative, embraceable, appreciative, infatuated, enchanting, arousing,
inflaming, endearing, doting, lusty, healthy, stimulating, erotic, willing,
libidinous, alluring, titillating, tempting, unquenchable, welcoming, magnetic,
dreamy, reputable, honourable, humble, self-effacing, admiring and reverential.
And
What a man looks for in a woman. – That she:
Show up naked. Bring
beer.
Secondly, slebs ‘n’ stars look taller, more
handsome/beautiful and so more alluring on the small/big screen. That’s because
they’re always shown off to their best advantage; the continued employment of
publicists and make-up artists, lighting and camera men, directors and
costumiers depend on this. Remember Queen Victoria who insisted it was her best
side that was photographed? It’s not unusual for actors to use a boob or bum
double and copious amounts of air-brushing and texturing; its been around for
years. So, given those alterations, it’s not so surprising we could miss seeing a well known figure from the TV,
particularly as we’re not of their sphere and so only see what the camera wants
us to see…and believe me contrary to popular belief the camera does, indeed,
lie.
However, if we take the music industry as a second case in
point for this discussion and you’re actually working in the biz, you’d reckon
it’d be harder to not recognise someone of a reasonably high profile,
particularly if you are within spitting distance of them for several hours. But
lets say it’s someone of world-wide fame, someone who’s been doing the gig for
40/50 years and they’re headlining a concert in their home country; what do you
reckon the chances are of saying;
Who? No, didn’t see
him/her?
Now, OK, when rock stars do a sly shimmy and appear in
something left-field, say, a movie, then it’s supposedly excusable that they
may not get recognised by all the staff; unlikely but possible. So, when Steve
Vai did the movie, Crossroads, or
when Jon Bon Jovi did the movie Vampires
Los Muertos or Iggy Pop did the movie, The
Crow – City of Angels, one could be forgiven for not putting past career
and person together…and yes, you’d be able to tell very early on that their
efforts and the movies they were in were going to be, and indeed were, crap,
but as to the actual persona? Out of context, see? But what about someone who
is synonymous with the genre?
Step forward Bob Dylan who, on this day in 2001, was turned
away by the stage security people from his concert because he lacked ID and
wasn’t in possession of a pass… Bouncers. Gotta luvem, eh…?
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