Another occasional series. Please feel free to add your own.
The Technical Rehearsal.
It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back.
We’ve been ready for hours.
There’s plenty of room for more instruments over here.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn’t last long.
That went SO well!
We’ve finished early so why don’t the crew get off home?
We’ve finished early.
The Actor: -
Don’t. Let’s not talk about me.
I’ve got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable!
I love my shoes.
No problem, I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent; here, I’ll give you his number; mention me.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.
No, leave the light where it is, I’ll walk into it.
Shall I take these cups back?
No, honestly, it’s my round.
The Stage Crew: -
Not at all, that instrument isn’t in the way.
We’ll get in early and do it tomorrow.
No, no. I’m sure that’s our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again, please?
It’s a marvellous show!
I don’t need this many on the crew.
Thanks, but I don’t drink.
You’re all far too busy; I’ll push the truck onstage on my own.
That was easy.
I’ll do it right after I mop the stage.
Another props table? Certainly.
No, honestly, it’s my round.
The Sound/Electrics Crew: -
I must fix the light in the publicity office.
This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
All the lights on the fixed prosc. bar a foot to the right? No problem.
No problem.
I’ll do that right away.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
Thanks, but I don’t drink.
No, honestly, it’s my round.
The Director: -
That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
We’ll bring the crew onstage just before the author.
We’ll bring the crew onstage.
This chair’s fine, thank you.
Thank You.
We’ll use it as it is.
Let the crew have that day.
That’s perfect!
My round, are all the crew here?
The Choreographer: -
This floor’s fine.
Plenty warm enough, thank you.
Thank you.
The lights are spot on.
Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
One dressing room’s fine.
The costumes are perfect.
The boom positions are fine.
The wings’ space is ideal.
The Musician: -
No, the lights are fine as they are.
Of course you can have some of our space.
Foldback for the drummer? No not at all, thank you.
Do you have a waste-paper basket we can use in the pit, please?
We’ll tidy up before we go to the pub shall we?
I’ll release the “wet” into this saucer I’ve brought with me, OK?
No need, we’ll tune up at the same time as you move those pillows.
The sound is spot on, thanks you.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
No, honestly, it’s my round.
The Conductor: -
This rostrum is the perfect height, thank you.
Thank You.
No, a 14-inch television screen is just fine.
Can we make sure the band have at least an hour for their break, please?
No, I’ve done all the rehearsal I need, thank you.
A spare hour? Give it to the stage and lighting crew, I’m more than happy.
I’m more than happy.
No, don’t re-block it. If they can’t see me I’ll move.
This dressing room’s fine.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Top Gear's Best Driving Song....Excuse me, but.....
.........when was "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen EVER thought to be a "good driving song"? "Hammer to Fall", "Tie Y' MOther Down", OK, but "Don't Stop Me Now"....? I don't think so. You've obviously missed the point, again, and so I offer the first in an occasional series: -
Greatest Alternative Driving Song of All Time
Top Ten Compiled especially for the Car-Park Tossers
10 - Eric Clapton - I Shot the Red Light
9 - Dick van Dyke/Julie Andrews and those Bloody Penguins
Superchargingroadusecarskillwankersandtheirspouses
8 - Neil Young - Keep on Drivin’ in the Fast Lane
7 - Jimi Hendrix - Rainy Day, Spin Away
6 - AC/DC - For Those about to Brake (Sniff Some More
Glue)
5 - Bryan Adams - That was the Last Day of my Life
(Skiddin’ the Corvette ’69)
4 - Chris de Burgh – Drivin’ Again (I think it’s Le Mans)
3 – The Who – I Can Speed for Miles
2 – Queen – Another One Strips a Clutch
1 – Rush – Red Barchetta
Greatest Alternative Driving Song of All Time
Top Ten Compiled especially for the Car-Park Tossers
10 - Eric Clapton - I Shot the Red Light
9 - Dick van Dyke/Julie Andrews and those Bloody Penguins
Superchargingroadusecarskillwankersandtheirspouses
8 - Neil Young - Keep on Drivin’ in the Fast Lane
7 - Jimi Hendrix - Rainy Day, Spin Away
6 - AC/DC - For Those about to Brake (Sniff Some More
Glue)
5 - Bryan Adams - That was the Last Day of my Life
(Skiddin’ the Corvette ’69)
4 - Chris de Burgh – Drivin’ Again (I think it’s Le Mans)
3 – The Who – I Can Speed for Miles
2 – Queen – Another One Strips a Clutch
1 – Rush – Red Barchetta
Thursday, July 14, 2005
An Open Letter to Deborah Orr of 'The Independent'
Article Headline: "Is this the freedom they fought for?"
Hi, Deborah,
This may not be the answer (or indeed length of answer) you were expecting or would want; they're just the views of a 56-year-old fat-man, some problematic, some very leftfield and all of it befuddled and hazy. "Is this the freedom they fought for?" 'Fraid so, yes, but in a far more subtle and complete way than at first thought, and with our tacit complicity; all of us. Lets start with a truism if ever there was one; "Why of course the people don't want to go to war......but after all it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship.....Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and for exposing the country to danger." Hermann Goering said that at Nuremberg in 1946. The only thing missing from today's ideology is that he should have included a message from his sponsors..........Krupp possibly?
My father and millions like him joined up, got called up whichever and fought to give his children and their children's children a shot (forgive the pun) at a better future than he'd been offered by either his social position or Mr. A. Hitler. All would probably have been OK-ish if the development of the euphoria and sense of "freedom" that followed VE and VJ days and "an end to hostilities" (that's what we've got now, in case you were confused) had, by and large, remained in the hands of those who fought for it; it would also have helped to ensure that the pace of change remained at a speed they could cope with. But, as is the way with most if not all 'ends' of hostilities' (that word again) the powerful few who'd manipulated and manufactured the wars (you know, politicians, fanatics, conglomerates, you know, those people who gave London's - and every other city's - suicide bomber the reason to 'get it on') increased their grip on the psyche of the masses and perverted their desire for peace and prosperity into a self-serving desire for "fluff". A confused and shell-shocked nation quickly succumbed to the lure of the ad-man's brave new world, sold to you exclusively by the very British firms who'd sold barbed-wire to the Germans in 1913-14-15-16 so's our troops could get snagged on it when they advanced on the enemy trenches. Then they'd be used as bayonet or long-range, rifle target practice by that enemy after "the rush" subsided. Left to "the people", you see, the movement forward was insufficiently fast enough for those brought up in an era when the maxim was "Get on - Get honour - Get honest".... Gosh, two truisms in one Email!
Time was (no I'm not going to wax lyrical about "the good old days", relax) in my father's and your father's day, and even though they weren't in positions of power, there was a season to everything, a time for everything, and everything happening in its own timescale at the correct pace. In this way the population had an opportunity to get used to new technology, practices, social changes, new rules and behaviour alterations at a steady pace, learned of possible pitfalls along the way, adjusted their patterns of work, behaviour, fiscal power and acceptance levels, social betterment..........JEEESSUUSSSSS!!!! Too damn slow! There's no profit in patience! With the second World War out of the way and so the closing up of an easily followed profit route, there was a short-lived opening rush to re-equip and re-build the communities so badly damaged by hostilities (word of the week, methinks) that allowed them to turn a coin, but that, too, soon reached an end. Lesson 1: If you build a house, a car, a vacuum cleaner or a washing machine that lasts for a lifetime you soon run out of options for profit. At first they made things simple but then everyone thought they could do it. Lesson 2: Fluff it up in a veritable smokescreen of verbal trouser-rolling that's as obscure and as codal as Sanskrit.
The reigns of control were relaxed on a relaxing generation who now got their bread from a packet, ready sliced, dyed white and pure and lasting an astounding three days before it went stale, that and the promise of white teeth and even whiter sheets. Their circuses comprised of fancy footwork to dance bands and not the fancy footwork required to dodge bullets and new wonders were rolling off the production line and hitting the shops as fast as a bren-gun empties its clip; all that was needed was a way to keep the public dancing and dancing and buying and buying. Enter T.V., disposable income, rock 'n' roll, the marketing trick of crossing out "dog" and putting in "goldfish", "lifestyle" magazines, marketing advisors...........the list goes on and it's what we want, isn't it? Would you go back to rubbing the clothes up and down a washboard for three hours every Monday, having no buses on a Sunday, no shops open at 01.30, a 12 hour lifestyle instead of a 24 hour one.....'Muffin the Mule' instead of 'Celebrity Love Island'....? Bugger, might have slipped up there.....
The lifestyle carrot was stewed with ersatz fluff and sold to a gullible, still reeling public who believed a clean toilet and frozen dinner would be the zenith of the very freedom their folks had all fought for (somehow missing the point along the way that, if they bought the frozen dinner took it home a tipped it down the pan then they could cut out the middle man altogether). Social and political calendars were run by and for the 'Society People' (important sporting events seen as the domain of the upper classes happening mid-week, retired Major's with experience in shooting, wine tasting and ordering people about given full or partial control of the governing bodies of recreation, employment, government cabinets - much like now with politicians, where you can come out of uni. with a degree in economics, get a job as Minister for Sport (?) await the next cabinet shuffle and become the Minister for Education.....(?) - You want to see what happens if I, a production manager and struggling writer working in touring theatre, try to get a job as a head chef somewhere.....? "So, Peter, what experience do you have of cooking.....?")
The degree of separation between the haves and have-nots has always been great, but the satisfaction levels in the lower orders was fast declining as they kept buying and dancing in ever faster circles; methods of keeping them down on the farm were becoming more difficult to invent.......... Welcome the National Lottery! The maxim of divide and rule made flesh. People don't want to get rich after they're dead, no bloody good then, is it? No, they want to get rich now, "I said NOW!" and planning for generations to come was seen as passé (Sir Bob taught us that) so you may was well spend the pension fund and be done with it. You think 'Big Brother' is bad......? Just wait 'til we get 400 channels for 36 hours a day, then you'll have room to complain. And nothing you or I do will stop it, will halt it. I mean, cripes, we can't even get these so-called clever men to listen to real experts and go beyond admitting that human activity might.....that's a "might"...have had some effect on global warming and the possible destruction of our planet, so a certainty of understanding by simple folk like us of what will happen to future generations won't alter things....but then, these 400 channels.....its what we want, what we demand (more outlets for our writing, our programmes, our celebrity challenge). But more importantly and certainly its what the rulers want, the leaders that gather in Texas every two years to discuss strategies for domination (check it out, not a joke). They want and NEED a soporific and pliable population bloated on crass space-fillers and with everything else 'just out of reach'; a soporific and pliable public that's either so intent on finding enough grains of rice on the floor in order to live they've no time to glance to the horizon or else scrambling after the jackpot and prepared to sell all to gain it; Mao was right, the strength of the state is in conformity and the governments of this world have taken up both Mao's and Goering's mantra and preached it as their own; given the right signals the mob can be persuaded to do anything, and you should never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Its heresy, but one of the reasons that our careless, oafish, brutal society that is so full of this "freedom" (or, as our politicicians keep referring to it, "choice") is on the march is because the folk who have any amount of nous limit their families and then work at bringing them up to a level that has society and sociological mores at its heart; they have the "freedom" to make that choice. Unfortunately this makes them weak because they use reason and discussion to solve problems, and you look a bit stupid when you're stating the case for a detailed examination of the thinking process behind antisocial behaviour and how best to tackle it whilst having your teeth thrust up your aresole! These others, the "thrusters of teeth", those other people basking in "choice", the fast approaching majority? Well, they "choose" to breed like rabbits and care less and less about the welfare of the brood because there's always more where they came from. They've been bought up in the corruption of the lie of freedom that says "Don't do as you would be done by, you're free to do just as you want"; it's a certain fact they'll be the majority very soon, their continuous "freedom" to enjoy state-funded fecundity will see to that and they'll be easily manipulated, easily stirred to riot and malpractice, easily blamed....the very fodder of Mr Goering in fact. But then, it doesn't take millions to rule, just one nutter in a group of "sensitives" and you've got grief-and-claret a-plenty. Walk the city-centres of a Friday and Saturday night, it just takes one........... Those children, those little 7 and 8 and 10 year-olds that were raped, in Manchester was it, by a 14 year old? They were out playing in a park..................at 21.00 hours.......?! Big Brother is their idol, Pot Noodle their gourmet sustenance, The Daily Star and The Sun their manifesto, soaps their social ethics committee and the Jade Goody's, Pete Doherty's and Tara Palmer-Tomkinsons of this world their role models. They inhabit a world where the king's new clothes are today's fashion and where children send 'round robins' of Email death-threats and every Internet connection is met with a barrage of pop-ups and advertising for fluff and porn.......because they're "free" to do so.
The corrupted freedom we have now is one that says, anything goes....an' I'll kick y' fuckin' teeth down y' throat if y' disagree!So many shit items are feted as the new something or other by psueds in DJ's with agendas as poisonous and as selfish as the power brokers; they do it for sex, for money, for fame, for notoriety, for entertainment; mostly ours. Those people who become suicide bombers can't be explained with rational thought and conceptions, they are above and beyond that. They're fed a disjointed logic, a logic that says killing disenfranchised people (just like them) with no voice or control of future events except a vote once every five years if they're lucky (just like them) will alter the way government works. (It does occur to me what would happen if these bombing factions got their way, held power and were able to do as they wished as leaders......!) In our turn, we are also preached false doctrines, ones that tell us if you lose the vote then you've still won the election (politicians) the one that tells us to be responsible for our own actions and resign if we become tarnished, "Now excuse me whilst I collect my 65-zillion pound bonus for driving the railway network/post office (insert the name of your own public service here) into spiralling debt and confusion.....oh, and a few lost lives on the way...." (public servants, and I use the word "servant" in its loosest possible sense here) the one that tells us honesty and the family comes first, "Now excuse me whilst I go and knock up my secretary" (politicians again) the list goes on and so does the hypocrisy within, and subjugation of, the masses.
Nothing we do, or say will have any impact or change the situation because we too are denied the opportunity to express our wish for change by successive governments who use "the fudge" as a political tool, the official secrets act as a get-out-of-jail-free card and tell the ignorant proletariat we, "Just don't understand how complex the situation is and that what we're doing, we're doing for your own good.........." Beware a politician who uses that as the reason for change, they'll slip in so many codicils to the bill you'll find it hard to take a dump without a licence. See, I told you it was befuddled and hazy.....'sound and fury'......... I'll close now, if you've got this far you deserve a coffee. I do read your 'Independent' column and enjoy it (there's a recommendation) but as you can see, sometimes it makes me cross..... I'll post this note on my Blogsite in the next couple of days, so that should guarantee me world-wide anonymity. Take care of y'self.
Doris
Hi, Deborah,
This may not be the answer (or indeed length of answer) you were expecting or would want; they're just the views of a 56-year-old fat-man, some problematic, some very leftfield and all of it befuddled and hazy. "Is this the freedom they fought for?" 'Fraid so, yes, but in a far more subtle and complete way than at first thought, and with our tacit complicity; all of us. Lets start with a truism if ever there was one; "Why of course the people don't want to go to war......but after all it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship.....Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and for exposing the country to danger." Hermann Goering said that at Nuremberg in 1946. The only thing missing from today's ideology is that he should have included a message from his sponsors..........Krupp possibly?
My father and millions like him joined up, got called up whichever and fought to give his children and their children's children a shot (forgive the pun) at a better future than he'd been offered by either his social position or Mr. A. Hitler. All would probably have been OK-ish if the development of the euphoria and sense of "freedom" that followed VE and VJ days and "an end to hostilities" (that's what we've got now, in case you were confused) had, by and large, remained in the hands of those who fought for it; it would also have helped to ensure that the pace of change remained at a speed they could cope with. But, as is the way with most if not all 'ends' of hostilities' (that word again) the powerful few who'd manipulated and manufactured the wars (you know, politicians, fanatics, conglomerates, you know, those people who gave London's - and every other city's - suicide bomber the reason to 'get it on') increased their grip on the psyche of the masses and perverted their desire for peace and prosperity into a self-serving desire for "fluff". A confused and shell-shocked nation quickly succumbed to the lure of the ad-man's brave new world, sold to you exclusively by the very British firms who'd sold barbed-wire to the Germans in 1913-14-15-16 so's our troops could get snagged on it when they advanced on the enemy trenches. Then they'd be used as bayonet or long-range, rifle target practice by that enemy after "the rush" subsided. Left to "the people", you see, the movement forward was insufficiently fast enough for those brought up in an era when the maxim was "Get on - Get honour - Get honest".... Gosh, two truisms in one Email!
Time was (no I'm not going to wax lyrical about "the good old days", relax) in my father's and your father's day, and even though they weren't in positions of power, there was a season to everything, a time for everything, and everything happening in its own timescale at the correct pace. In this way the population had an opportunity to get used to new technology, practices, social changes, new rules and behaviour alterations at a steady pace, learned of possible pitfalls along the way, adjusted their patterns of work, behaviour, fiscal power and acceptance levels, social betterment..........JEEESSUUSSSSS!!!! Too damn slow! There's no profit in patience! With the second World War out of the way and so the closing up of an easily followed profit route, there was a short-lived opening rush to re-equip and re-build the communities so badly damaged by hostilities (word of the week, methinks) that allowed them to turn a coin, but that, too, soon reached an end. Lesson 1: If you build a house, a car, a vacuum cleaner or a washing machine that lasts for a lifetime you soon run out of options for profit. At first they made things simple but then everyone thought they could do it. Lesson 2: Fluff it up in a veritable smokescreen of verbal trouser-rolling that's as obscure and as codal as Sanskrit.
The reigns of control were relaxed on a relaxing generation who now got their bread from a packet, ready sliced, dyed white and pure and lasting an astounding three days before it went stale, that and the promise of white teeth and even whiter sheets. Their circuses comprised of fancy footwork to dance bands and not the fancy footwork required to dodge bullets and new wonders were rolling off the production line and hitting the shops as fast as a bren-gun empties its clip; all that was needed was a way to keep the public dancing and dancing and buying and buying. Enter T.V., disposable income, rock 'n' roll, the marketing trick of crossing out "dog" and putting in "goldfish", "lifestyle" magazines, marketing advisors...........the list goes on and it's what we want, isn't it? Would you go back to rubbing the clothes up and down a washboard for three hours every Monday, having no buses on a Sunday, no shops open at 01.30, a 12 hour lifestyle instead of a 24 hour one.....'Muffin the Mule' instead of 'Celebrity Love Island'....? Bugger, might have slipped up there.....
The lifestyle carrot was stewed with ersatz fluff and sold to a gullible, still reeling public who believed a clean toilet and frozen dinner would be the zenith of the very freedom their folks had all fought for (somehow missing the point along the way that, if they bought the frozen dinner took it home a tipped it down the pan then they could cut out the middle man altogether). Social and political calendars were run by and for the 'Society People' (important sporting events seen as the domain of the upper classes happening mid-week, retired Major's with experience in shooting, wine tasting and ordering people about given full or partial control of the governing bodies of recreation, employment, government cabinets - much like now with politicians, where you can come out of uni. with a degree in economics, get a job as Minister for Sport (?) await the next cabinet shuffle and become the Minister for Education.....(?) - You want to see what happens if I, a production manager and struggling writer working in touring theatre, try to get a job as a head chef somewhere.....? "So, Peter, what experience do you have of cooking.....?")
The degree of separation between the haves and have-nots has always been great, but the satisfaction levels in the lower orders was fast declining as they kept buying and dancing in ever faster circles; methods of keeping them down on the farm were becoming more difficult to invent.......... Welcome the National Lottery! The maxim of divide and rule made flesh. People don't want to get rich after they're dead, no bloody good then, is it? No, they want to get rich now, "I said NOW!" and planning for generations to come was seen as passé (Sir Bob taught us that) so you may was well spend the pension fund and be done with it. You think 'Big Brother' is bad......? Just wait 'til we get 400 channels for 36 hours a day, then you'll have room to complain. And nothing you or I do will stop it, will halt it. I mean, cripes, we can't even get these so-called clever men to listen to real experts and go beyond admitting that human activity might.....that's a "might"...have had some effect on global warming and the possible destruction of our planet, so a certainty of understanding by simple folk like us of what will happen to future generations won't alter things....but then, these 400 channels.....its what we want, what we demand (more outlets for our writing, our programmes, our celebrity challenge). But more importantly and certainly its what the rulers want, the leaders that gather in Texas every two years to discuss strategies for domination (check it out, not a joke). They want and NEED a soporific and pliable population bloated on crass space-fillers and with everything else 'just out of reach'; a soporific and pliable public that's either so intent on finding enough grains of rice on the floor in order to live they've no time to glance to the horizon or else scrambling after the jackpot and prepared to sell all to gain it; Mao was right, the strength of the state is in conformity and the governments of this world have taken up both Mao's and Goering's mantra and preached it as their own; given the right signals the mob can be persuaded to do anything, and you should never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Its heresy, but one of the reasons that our careless, oafish, brutal society that is so full of this "freedom" (or, as our politicicians keep referring to it, "choice") is on the march is because the folk who have any amount of nous limit their families and then work at bringing them up to a level that has society and sociological mores at its heart; they have the "freedom" to make that choice. Unfortunately this makes them weak because they use reason and discussion to solve problems, and you look a bit stupid when you're stating the case for a detailed examination of the thinking process behind antisocial behaviour and how best to tackle it whilst having your teeth thrust up your aresole! These others, the "thrusters of teeth", those other people basking in "choice", the fast approaching majority? Well, they "choose" to breed like rabbits and care less and less about the welfare of the brood because there's always more where they came from. They've been bought up in the corruption of the lie of freedom that says "Don't do as you would be done by, you're free to do just as you want"; it's a certain fact they'll be the majority very soon, their continuous "freedom" to enjoy state-funded fecundity will see to that and they'll be easily manipulated, easily stirred to riot and malpractice, easily blamed....the very fodder of Mr Goering in fact. But then, it doesn't take millions to rule, just one nutter in a group of "sensitives" and you've got grief-and-claret a-plenty. Walk the city-centres of a Friday and Saturday night, it just takes one........... Those children, those little 7 and 8 and 10 year-olds that were raped, in Manchester was it, by a 14 year old? They were out playing in a park..................at 21.00 hours.......?! Big Brother is their idol, Pot Noodle their gourmet sustenance, The Daily Star and The Sun their manifesto, soaps their social ethics committee and the Jade Goody's, Pete Doherty's and Tara Palmer-Tomkinsons of this world their role models. They inhabit a world where the king's new clothes are today's fashion and where children send 'round robins' of Email death-threats and every Internet connection is met with a barrage of pop-ups and advertising for fluff and porn.......because they're "free" to do so.
The corrupted freedom we have now is one that says, anything goes....an' I'll kick y' fuckin' teeth down y' throat if y' disagree!So many shit items are feted as the new something or other by psueds in DJ's with agendas as poisonous and as selfish as the power brokers; they do it for sex, for money, for fame, for notoriety, for entertainment; mostly ours. Those people who become suicide bombers can't be explained with rational thought and conceptions, they are above and beyond that. They're fed a disjointed logic, a logic that says killing disenfranchised people (just like them) with no voice or control of future events except a vote once every five years if they're lucky (just like them) will alter the way government works. (It does occur to me what would happen if these bombing factions got their way, held power and were able to do as they wished as leaders......!) In our turn, we are also preached false doctrines, ones that tell us if you lose the vote then you've still won the election (politicians) the one that tells us to be responsible for our own actions and resign if we become tarnished, "Now excuse me whilst I collect my 65-zillion pound bonus for driving the railway network/post office (insert the name of your own public service here) into spiralling debt and confusion.....oh, and a few lost lives on the way...." (public servants, and I use the word "servant" in its loosest possible sense here) the one that tells us honesty and the family comes first, "Now excuse me whilst I go and knock up my secretary" (politicians again) the list goes on and so does the hypocrisy within, and subjugation of, the masses.
Nothing we do, or say will have any impact or change the situation because we too are denied the opportunity to express our wish for change by successive governments who use "the fudge" as a political tool, the official secrets act as a get-out-of-jail-free card and tell the ignorant proletariat we, "Just don't understand how complex the situation is and that what we're doing, we're doing for your own good.........." Beware a politician who uses that as the reason for change, they'll slip in so many codicils to the bill you'll find it hard to take a dump without a licence. See, I told you it was befuddled and hazy.....'sound and fury'......... I'll close now, if you've got this far you deserve a coffee. I do read your 'Independent' column and enjoy it (there's a recommendation) but as you can see, sometimes it makes me cross..... I'll post this note on my Blogsite in the next couple of days, so that should guarantee me world-wide anonymity. Take care of y'self.
Doris
Thursday, June 09, 2005
TOP GEAR - AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESENTERS
OK, you foot-pedal fuckwits! You are the spawn of Thatcherism and I’ve had enough of watching you dodge tanks and helicopters, race each other to “Some Trendy Skiing Resort or Other”, squeal round race tracks “just to show what a good driver I am” and whinge on about how put-upon the poor old motorist in the four-wheel truck is. I’ve worked out a way to make our roads safer and less congested, apart from fucking you lot off’f it that is. I reckon that actions and legislation like those listed below are the only way to create a relatively safer and longer-lasting environment for us all (even you lot, though you don’t deserve it) and although the rules listed below won’t suit petrol-penises like your good selves, well, tough titty.
Driving a Car: - Most insurers (see “Road Tax and Insurance” below) are really reluctant to grant insurance to anyone less than 21 years of age for less than a squillion pounds……and that’s third party f&t mind…… Bearing this in mind, the age limit at which a car can be driven (see “Driving Instruction and Tests” below) will be raised to 21 years old. Anyone found driving a car before this age will be subject to a £5000 fine and a 10 year ban. If that person is in the company of others then those passengers, whatever their involvement (except, maybe, if they are the victim of a kidnap attempt..............maybe) are also subject to the same punishment.
Road Tax and Insurance: - These charges will be scrapped and added onto fuel prices reviewed annually in the budget as of now. This will mean those who use the roads most or burn vats-full of fuel by squealing round car parks with their mates will pay most towards the upkeep of our highways…………the latter just for their stupidity actually. The “tax” part of the fuel charge will go straight into government coffers, the “insurance” part of the fuel charge will go into a central fund and be spread amongst any insurers operating in this field. A sliding scale based on the percentage of the total number of driver's insured will deem how much each insurance company receives; those insuring the most drivers gaining the most payout, those insuring the least, the least payout. Each insurance company will deposit 15% of their total profit each year into a general “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. In the event of an insurance company going bust, the remaining insurance companies will have the now uninsured driver’s spread equally onto their books at no extra charge the car drivers’. These insurers remaining will then seek recompense from the “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. The only insurance level allowed will be Fully Comprehensive and all insurance companies will, in the first instance and regardless as to who is to blame in the event of any accident or mishap, be legally required to cover and pay for all legal, medical-and-claims-for-damages costs and awards of those involved in any incident. The insurance company/ies involved will then have the opportunity to claim against the guilty party/ies for financial redress, the person/s involved having their licence removed until payment is made in full for all claims. All repairs and any health and rehabilitation costs of those innocent parties involved will also be guaranteed for payment by the insurance companies. This payment will then be gathered back from the guilty party in the incident, it will be at the insurer’s expense to recover this payment; it’s about time they actually got involved in the day-to-day costs of the “driving experience”.
Driving Instruction and Tests: - In line with the “Driving a Car” paragraph above, the age level at which one can obtain a licence will obviously be raised to 21 years-of-age with a special clause inserted (to be known as the “Big Exhaust-Small Penis Codicil”) for anyone with a non-standard, large-bore exhaust on their car, inappropriate spoiler or anything other than the standard loudspeakers fitted by the manufacturer of their vehicle. All such “vehicle beautification” culprits will be required to have their car fitted with carpets that are impregnated with ‘odour of dogshit’ and these will remain in the vehicle until they get these items removed……oh yes, and anyone wearing a baseball cap whilst driving will be shot on sight, you look nothing like Michael Schumacher, you just look stupid! Anyone found driving a car before the age of 21 will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and be disqualified from driving for life for the third offence. All driving tests will be upgraded and the “Advanced Driver’s Test” of today will become the normal driving test entry level.
Traffic Police: - Core funding (minimum staffing levels, property bases – that’s police stations to you thick buggers – one-off capital bids, legal costs etc) to be met from central government funds; all other funding (extra staff, extra/new equipment, overtime, the Policeman’s Ball, etc) to be met from successful prosecutions, fines, on-the-spot-charges, car confiscations and subsequent sales etc, including all the fine levels listed throughout this document. Each region will have its own force and they will compete each year for a 5-million-pound prize, the winner being the force with the most successful convictions for speeding in any 12-month period.
Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 1: - There will be a zero-tolerance strategy implemented. From 1st July 2005 it will be illegal to drive with ANY level of alcohol in the bloodstream AT ALL, indeed, so sensitive will be the equipment mentioned below, it may even be illegal to drive after sucking on a wine gum. To cut down on the possibility of this law being breached, research will be entered into immediately that will come up with an in-car breathalyzer that is part of the car’s ignition system. Drivers will have to breathe into a dash-mounted tube and any reading of alcohol on the breath will render the car’s ignition system out of commission. To stop other’s breathing into the tube for the rat-arsed driver, each dash-mounted tube will carry a trigger-grip that has to be held in order for the breathalyser to work which will have a copy of the driver’s palm print as part of the ignition system. The steering wheel will also house the same palm-print and be linked to the ignition allowance system. These print recognition systems will also drastically reduce the incidence of car theft. Anyone who lays their hands on awheel that dos not match their print will have a blast of purple powder showered over them that will only wear off after several weeks. This will cloud up the inside of the car making visbility zero and subtlety less than complete. All cleaning of the said motor car will be charged to the purple people which they will pay for and carry out as part of their punishment.
Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 2: – Anyone found driving a vehicle with any level of alcohol in their bloodstream will be fined £3,000 and banned for 5 years for the first offence, fined £10,000 and disqualified for 10 for the second offence and a £20,000 fine and disqualified for life for the third. There will be no mitigating circumstances allowed in court, indeed no 'not-guilty' plea either; y' drank it, y' did it, now fuck off. There will be no leave for appeal and all drivers convicted for first and second offences will have to undergo and pass another, far stricter, extra-advanced driving test before being allowed back into a motor vehicle. Second conviction motorists will also have to undergo a full term of Alcoholics Anonymous strategies and teachings as well as complete a period of work for an inner-city A&E Unit.
Speeding: - There will be new speed limits put on our roads and they will be as follows: -
All roads with speed/traffic calming devices- 15mph
All other areas designated as “Built Up” and on single track/”country” type roads - 25mph
Ordinary “B” type roads - 50mph
Ordinary “A” type roads – 60mph
Dual Carriageways – 70mph
Motorways - 100mph
A plus figure of 4mph will be given as leeway for the designated speed levels on our highways. Any speed above this level is an offence and as such will be subject to the following levels of punishment.
First Offence - £1000 fine and a mandatory 3-month ban.
Second Offence - £1500 fine and a mandatory 1-year disqualification plus a re-test before renewal of licence.
Third Offence - £2000 fine and a mandatory 5-year disqualification plus 12 months community service in a local A&E unit and a re-test before renewal of licence.
Fourth Offence - £5000 fine and a mandatory life disqualification and 12 months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below).
All fine payments will be deducted automatically from wage or benefit payments. Anyone found driving during their banned period will have an automatic life-time disqualification and eighteen months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below). If a third-party has knowingly allowed the disqualified driver access to their car then that person will also be subjected to a life disqualification.
Car Lifestyle Changes: – There are several sections here.
1) Speed control software will be fitted to all cars to regulate maximum speeds and conform to those new mandatory speed limits mentioned above.
2) All cars will be fitted with a self-cleaning BarCode plate. This will be etched onto the underside of the vehicle and form part of a National Vehicle Register. Laser, BarCode readers will be embedded in the road’s surface at all cross-roads, “T” junctions, traffic and pedestrian lights. Any vehicle that has a BarCode that is unreadable will be subject to an ignition cut off activated at the first BarCode reader they encounter. This will render the car un-start-able until the BarCode is either cleaned or replaced. In each offence of the above the driver will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, disqualified for life plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and in each case the vehicle will be impounded, re-BarCoded and sold by the police at auction. This BarCode recognition will also form part of the car’s safety features. It will have to be punched into a special key to unlock the car and fire-up the ignition/breathalyser start-up procedure. It will also help to remedy the problems police face when engaging in crime detection. BarCoded pathways will be able to trace recent traffic at the signs of accidents, murders, drugs deals and other such nefarious activity.
3) The maximum speed of all cars will be at the manufacturer’s discretion. However, on any car that has a speed capability in excess of the maximum speed limit above i.e. 100mph, there will be a two-phase safety device fitted that will allow the vehicle to be driven either in “Traffic” mode or “Competition” mode. The operation of “Competition” mode will only be activated by a special BarCode Reader which will allow the extra speed; these BarCode Readers will be placed at the entrance to all racing circuits with a reverse action triggered when the vehicle leaves.
4) Incentives to buy and use cars that can only reach the maximum allowable speed (100mph) in the shape of free fuel allowances will be offered to all car users opting for that type of vehicle.
5) Whilst understanding how dangerous and slippery pigeon-shit can be to the average driver on a wet road, the use of four-wheel-drive-off-road vehicles as regualr runabouts will be discouraged. All such vehicles will have a top speed of 30mph, will attract a fuel levy of triple the normal price paid and have to carry, by law, a loudspeaker system that announces, in the inside of the vehicle, “I’m a stupid wanker with the brain the size of a weevil and a sexual inadequacy akin to the size of one of the larger continents’” at 40dcb every thirty seconds of travel.
6) All schools will have a 1-mile parking ban placed around them, excepting, of course, for those who live in the road upon which the school is situated. In these cases and wherever possible, providing this does not interfere with traffic flow, an electric barrier will be erected at each end of the school’s road with householders having a pass in order to get them into the street where they live. As a secondary safety device they’ll have to sing that song too…… To cut down on the use of unauthorised parking in the “school roads”, each house will have its own parking bay and each school will have its own parking attendants; these last will be funded from the police budget. A red/green light will be placed on a pole at each parking bay, the correct car in that space lighting up the green light through its correct and matching BarCode. Any car lighting up the red light will have all four wheels clamped, be towed away, re BarCoded and sold by the police at auction.
7) All use of “Bull-bars” will be banned. Those people who have them fitted at the time of this law enactment will have just 48 hours to get them removed and there will be no compensation for any expense incurred; those people who defy the research into accidents and fatality levels and have continued to fit and drive vehicles with bull-bars deserve nothing for their crass and selfish stupidity. Anyone found with a bull-bar on their vehicle after this date will pay a £3000 fine, be banned from driving for 1 year, attend a six-month stint in a local A&E unit and the car will be impounded, re BarCoded and sold.
8) Parking is a vexing problem. Except in areas of extreme narrowness or in obvious problem areas (dual carriageways, motorways, islands etc), all parking restrictions on highways will be removed. There will be no double parking allowed, however, all vehicles doing so will be immediately disposed of in a portable car-crush as will any vehicle causing an obstruction; there will be no redress or alleviation for car loss and elderly members or children left in said vehicles whilst the owner “just slips into the newsagents” will be crushed along with the vehicle. If this proves to be a popular spectator sport, then the proceeds from any tickets sold will go to the Police Widow’s Federation. On all designated roads, parking bays will be laid out and meters placed on them, as they are now, for payment. To obtain a parking ticket the driver will deposit his keys and palm-print at the meter for his/her bay. This will enable the driver to park and not have to worry about losing his keys and also guarantees payment. The palm print will be read and a fixed parking fee of £1 per hour will be levied onto the driver’s bank account or social security payout centre and collected via direct debit at the end of each month. Default of payment will mean permanent loss of the vehicle involved and withholding of licence until the full amount is paid. Parking will only be allowed in these designated parking places. All other cars found parked “illegally” will be clamped (all four wheels) and owners will only have their car released when they have paid a £400 fine. If the fine is unpaid within a 24 hour period, the vehicle will be removed by the police and either sold at auction or crushed, depending on the re-sale value and the health and temper and general cash-flow of the police authority involved; there will be no storage or reclaiming of such vehicles. All semi-private parking areas (supermarkets, shopping centres etc) will also be required by law to clamp (all four wheels) any vehicle found parking outside a designated parking box. These cars will be given no leeway because they belong to the “Just Getting a Lottery Ticket” or “Just Getting 20 Fags” brigade. They will only be released when the owner has paid a £200 fine that will be donated to a “charity of the week”, the choosing of which is decided upon by the staff of the supermarket or shopping centre. If there is a refusal to pay or no payment after 24 hours, the owners of the parking lot have the right to remove and sell the vehicle through the police strategy, the money going to the charity of choice.
Driver’s Prisons: - Prisons for all those committed for any of the offences mentioned above will be built and funded direct from taxation. These prisons will house inmates who will be required to work on the highways in this country maintaining, repairing and generally looking after their upkeep for which they will be paid the minimum wage, the money being placed in a savings account for the local hospital, drug-dependency unit or A.A. base; this strategy will also release local Council workers for other duties. Prison inmates will wear boiler suits for this outside work and each boiler suit will have the nature of the crime committed by the wearer printed in large letters on the back such as; “Speeding Child Killer” – or – “Alcoholic Driver” – or – “Big Deafening Exhaust User” – or – “Drum ‘N’ Bass Driver”. There will be no general T.V. or games allowed in these prisons. All T.V. programmes will be aimed at making them better, more responsible drivers. Regular visits to local A&E units will be arranged and lectures, education programmes and all methods of health and lifestyle programmes will be an integral part of prison life. All inmates will be required to reach a grade one pass in general first aid and resuscitation techniques before being released from prison.
Road Building: - All new road building will cease and whatever roads we have now will have to cope with the volume of traffic we create. There will be no toll roads or “special highways for important people” as this will only create an avoidance route for politicians and the rich to fudge the traffic issue. Once these roads are full………they’re full; we’re gridlocked; fucked.
Car Ownership: - Each person will be allowed to own as many cars as they like. However, a premium will be levied on each car owned after the first purchase. For owners of a second car the cost of any fuel purchased and the insurance premium they pay as part of that fuel purchase for all vehicles they own will be doubled, for a third car tripled and so on. If more than one car is owned at the same address but by different family members, the cost of fuel to all householders will be doubled.
Disposal of Vehicles: - All vehicles will be taken to central government/police force controlled and owned collection points when they are no longer required; a sort of automobile’s graveyard. Here they will be stripped and crushed then recycled to make new cars. All new cars will have to contain a minimum of 65% recycled material. The service will be offered free of charge and there will be no payment for cars taken there, it will be considered part of your civic duty. The dumping of cars is strictly forbidden and anyone found doing so will be subject to a £25,000 fine and banned from driving for life for the first offence; they will be sent on a daytrip to Longleat and provide entertainment for the lions for their second offence…………
OK, that’s enough for now. The above regulations should successfully reduce the amount of traffic on our roads by about 30+% and really for very little extra cost; just a regrouping of the operating systems and a little more willingness to sort out the offenders, most of them goaded on by your toss-pot programme.
Driving a Car: - Most insurers (see “Road Tax and Insurance” below) are really reluctant to grant insurance to anyone less than 21 years of age for less than a squillion pounds……and that’s third party f&t mind…… Bearing this in mind, the age limit at which a car can be driven (see “Driving Instruction and Tests” below) will be raised to 21 years old. Anyone found driving a car before this age will be subject to a £5000 fine and a 10 year ban. If that person is in the company of others then those passengers, whatever their involvement (except, maybe, if they are the victim of a kidnap attempt..............maybe) are also subject to the same punishment.
Road Tax and Insurance: - These charges will be scrapped and added onto fuel prices reviewed annually in the budget as of now. This will mean those who use the roads most or burn vats-full of fuel by squealing round car parks with their mates will pay most towards the upkeep of our highways…………the latter just for their stupidity actually. The “tax” part of the fuel charge will go straight into government coffers, the “insurance” part of the fuel charge will go into a central fund and be spread amongst any insurers operating in this field. A sliding scale based on the percentage of the total number of driver's insured will deem how much each insurance company receives; those insuring the most drivers gaining the most payout, those insuring the least, the least payout. Each insurance company will deposit 15% of their total profit each year into a general “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. In the event of an insurance company going bust, the remaining insurance companies will have the now uninsured driver’s spread equally onto their books at no extra charge the car drivers’. These insurers remaining will then seek recompense from the “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. The only insurance level allowed will be Fully Comprehensive and all insurance companies will, in the first instance and regardless as to who is to blame in the event of any accident or mishap, be legally required to cover and pay for all legal, medical-and-claims-for-damages costs and awards of those involved in any incident. The insurance company/ies involved will then have the opportunity to claim against the guilty party/ies for financial redress, the person/s involved having their licence removed until payment is made in full for all claims. All repairs and any health and rehabilitation costs of those innocent parties involved will also be guaranteed for payment by the insurance companies. This payment will then be gathered back from the guilty party in the incident, it will be at the insurer’s expense to recover this payment; it’s about time they actually got involved in the day-to-day costs of the “driving experience”.
Driving Instruction and Tests: - In line with the “Driving a Car” paragraph above, the age level at which one can obtain a licence will obviously be raised to 21 years-of-age with a special clause inserted (to be known as the “Big Exhaust-Small Penis Codicil”) for anyone with a non-standard, large-bore exhaust on their car, inappropriate spoiler or anything other than the standard loudspeakers fitted by the manufacturer of their vehicle. All such “vehicle beautification” culprits will be required to have their car fitted with carpets that are impregnated with ‘odour of dogshit’ and these will remain in the vehicle until they get these items removed……oh yes, and anyone wearing a baseball cap whilst driving will be shot on sight, you look nothing like Michael Schumacher, you just look stupid! Anyone found driving a car before the age of 21 will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and be disqualified from driving for life for the third offence. All driving tests will be upgraded and the “Advanced Driver’s Test” of today will become the normal driving test entry level.
Traffic Police: - Core funding (minimum staffing levels, property bases – that’s police stations to you thick buggers – one-off capital bids, legal costs etc) to be met from central government funds; all other funding (extra staff, extra/new equipment, overtime, the Policeman’s Ball, etc) to be met from successful prosecutions, fines, on-the-spot-charges, car confiscations and subsequent sales etc, including all the fine levels listed throughout this document. Each region will have its own force and they will compete each year for a 5-million-pound prize, the winner being the force with the most successful convictions for speeding in any 12-month period.
Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 1: - There will be a zero-tolerance strategy implemented. From 1st July 2005 it will be illegal to drive with ANY level of alcohol in the bloodstream AT ALL, indeed, so sensitive will be the equipment mentioned below, it may even be illegal to drive after sucking on a wine gum. To cut down on the possibility of this law being breached, research will be entered into immediately that will come up with an in-car breathalyzer that is part of the car’s ignition system. Drivers will have to breathe into a dash-mounted tube and any reading of alcohol on the breath will render the car’s ignition system out of commission. To stop other’s breathing into the tube for the rat-arsed driver, each dash-mounted tube will carry a trigger-grip that has to be held in order for the breathalyser to work which will have a copy of the driver’s palm print as part of the ignition system. The steering wheel will also house the same palm-print and be linked to the ignition allowance system. These print recognition systems will also drastically reduce the incidence of car theft. Anyone who lays their hands on awheel that dos not match their print will have a blast of purple powder showered over them that will only wear off after several weeks. This will cloud up the inside of the car making visbility zero and subtlety less than complete. All cleaning of the said motor car will be charged to the purple people which they will pay for and carry out as part of their punishment.
Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 2: – Anyone found driving a vehicle with any level of alcohol in their bloodstream will be fined £3,000 and banned for 5 years for the first offence, fined £10,000 and disqualified for 10 for the second offence and a £20,000 fine and disqualified for life for the third. There will be no mitigating circumstances allowed in court, indeed no 'not-guilty' plea either; y' drank it, y' did it, now fuck off. There will be no leave for appeal and all drivers convicted for first and second offences will have to undergo and pass another, far stricter, extra-advanced driving test before being allowed back into a motor vehicle. Second conviction motorists will also have to undergo a full term of Alcoholics Anonymous strategies and teachings as well as complete a period of work for an inner-city A&E Unit.
Speeding: - There will be new speed limits put on our roads and they will be as follows: -
All roads with speed/traffic calming devices- 15mph
All other areas designated as “Built Up” and on single track/”country” type roads - 25mph
Ordinary “B” type roads - 50mph
Ordinary “A” type roads – 60mph
Dual Carriageways – 70mph
Motorways - 100mph
A plus figure of 4mph will be given as leeway for the designated speed levels on our highways. Any speed above this level is an offence and as such will be subject to the following levels of punishment.
First Offence - £1000 fine and a mandatory 3-month ban.
Second Offence - £1500 fine and a mandatory 1-year disqualification plus a re-test before renewal of licence.
Third Offence - £2000 fine and a mandatory 5-year disqualification plus 12 months community service in a local A&E unit and a re-test before renewal of licence.
Fourth Offence - £5000 fine and a mandatory life disqualification and 12 months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below).
All fine payments will be deducted automatically from wage or benefit payments. Anyone found driving during their banned period will have an automatic life-time disqualification and eighteen months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below). If a third-party has knowingly allowed the disqualified driver access to their car then that person will also be subjected to a life disqualification.
Car Lifestyle Changes: – There are several sections here.
1) Speed control software will be fitted to all cars to regulate maximum speeds and conform to those new mandatory speed limits mentioned above.
2) All cars will be fitted with a self-cleaning BarCode plate. This will be etched onto the underside of the vehicle and form part of a National Vehicle Register. Laser, BarCode readers will be embedded in the road’s surface at all cross-roads, “T” junctions, traffic and pedestrian lights. Any vehicle that has a BarCode that is unreadable will be subject to an ignition cut off activated at the first BarCode reader they encounter. This will render the car un-start-able until the BarCode is either cleaned or replaced. In each offence of the above the driver will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, disqualified for life plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and in each case the vehicle will be impounded, re-BarCoded and sold by the police at auction. This BarCode recognition will also form part of the car’s safety features. It will have to be punched into a special key to unlock the car and fire-up the ignition/breathalyser start-up procedure. It will also help to remedy the problems police face when engaging in crime detection. BarCoded pathways will be able to trace recent traffic at the signs of accidents, murders, drugs deals and other such nefarious activity.
3) The maximum speed of all cars will be at the manufacturer’s discretion. However, on any car that has a speed capability in excess of the maximum speed limit above i.e. 100mph, there will be a two-phase safety device fitted that will allow the vehicle to be driven either in “Traffic” mode or “Competition” mode. The operation of “Competition” mode will only be activated by a special BarCode Reader which will allow the extra speed; these BarCode Readers will be placed at the entrance to all racing circuits with a reverse action triggered when the vehicle leaves.
4) Incentives to buy and use cars that can only reach the maximum allowable speed (100mph) in the shape of free fuel allowances will be offered to all car users opting for that type of vehicle.
5) Whilst understanding how dangerous and slippery pigeon-shit can be to the average driver on a wet road, the use of four-wheel-drive-off-road vehicles as regualr runabouts will be discouraged. All such vehicles will have a top speed of 30mph, will attract a fuel levy of triple the normal price paid and have to carry, by law, a loudspeaker system that announces, in the inside of the vehicle, “I’m a stupid wanker with the brain the size of a weevil and a sexual inadequacy akin to the size of one of the larger continents’” at 40dcb every thirty seconds of travel.
6) All schools will have a 1-mile parking ban placed around them, excepting, of course, for those who live in the road upon which the school is situated. In these cases and wherever possible, providing this does not interfere with traffic flow, an electric barrier will be erected at each end of the school’s road with householders having a pass in order to get them into the street where they live. As a secondary safety device they’ll have to sing that song too…… To cut down on the use of unauthorised parking in the “school roads”, each house will have its own parking bay and each school will have its own parking attendants; these last will be funded from the police budget. A red/green light will be placed on a pole at each parking bay, the correct car in that space lighting up the green light through its correct and matching BarCode. Any car lighting up the red light will have all four wheels clamped, be towed away, re BarCoded and sold by the police at auction.
7) All use of “Bull-bars” will be banned. Those people who have them fitted at the time of this law enactment will have just 48 hours to get them removed and there will be no compensation for any expense incurred; those people who defy the research into accidents and fatality levels and have continued to fit and drive vehicles with bull-bars deserve nothing for their crass and selfish stupidity. Anyone found with a bull-bar on their vehicle after this date will pay a £3000 fine, be banned from driving for 1 year, attend a six-month stint in a local A&E unit and the car will be impounded, re BarCoded and sold.
8) Parking is a vexing problem. Except in areas of extreme narrowness or in obvious problem areas (dual carriageways, motorways, islands etc), all parking restrictions on highways will be removed. There will be no double parking allowed, however, all vehicles doing so will be immediately disposed of in a portable car-crush as will any vehicle causing an obstruction; there will be no redress or alleviation for car loss and elderly members or children left in said vehicles whilst the owner “just slips into the newsagents” will be crushed along with the vehicle. If this proves to be a popular spectator sport, then the proceeds from any tickets sold will go to the Police Widow’s Federation. On all designated roads, parking bays will be laid out and meters placed on them, as they are now, for payment. To obtain a parking ticket the driver will deposit his keys and palm-print at the meter for his/her bay. This will enable the driver to park and not have to worry about losing his keys and also guarantees payment. The palm print will be read and a fixed parking fee of £1 per hour will be levied onto the driver’s bank account or social security payout centre and collected via direct debit at the end of each month. Default of payment will mean permanent loss of the vehicle involved and withholding of licence until the full amount is paid. Parking will only be allowed in these designated parking places. All other cars found parked “illegally” will be clamped (all four wheels) and owners will only have their car released when they have paid a £400 fine. If the fine is unpaid within a 24 hour period, the vehicle will be removed by the police and either sold at auction or crushed, depending on the re-sale value and the health and temper and general cash-flow of the police authority involved; there will be no storage or reclaiming of such vehicles. All semi-private parking areas (supermarkets, shopping centres etc) will also be required by law to clamp (all four wheels) any vehicle found parking outside a designated parking box. These cars will be given no leeway because they belong to the “Just Getting a Lottery Ticket” or “Just Getting 20 Fags” brigade. They will only be released when the owner has paid a £200 fine that will be donated to a “charity of the week”, the choosing of which is decided upon by the staff of the supermarket or shopping centre. If there is a refusal to pay or no payment after 24 hours, the owners of the parking lot have the right to remove and sell the vehicle through the police strategy, the money going to the charity of choice.
Driver’s Prisons: - Prisons for all those committed for any of the offences mentioned above will be built and funded direct from taxation. These prisons will house inmates who will be required to work on the highways in this country maintaining, repairing and generally looking after their upkeep for which they will be paid the minimum wage, the money being placed in a savings account for the local hospital, drug-dependency unit or A.A. base; this strategy will also release local Council workers for other duties. Prison inmates will wear boiler suits for this outside work and each boiler suit will have the nature of the crime committed by the wearer printed in large letters on the back such as; “Speeding Child Killer” – or – “Alcoholic Driver” – or – “Big Deafening Exhaust User” – or – “Drum ‘N’ Bass Driver”. There will be no general T.V. or games allowed in these prisons. All T.V. programmes will be aimed at making them better, more responsible drivers. Regular visits to local A&E units will be arranged and lectures, education programmes and all methods of health and lifestyle programmes will be an integral part of prison life. All inmates will be required to reach a grade one pass in general first aid and resuscitation techniques before being released from prison.
Road Building: - All new road building will cease and whatever roads we have now will have to cope with the volume of traffic we create. There will be no toll roads or “special highways for important people” as this will only create an avoidance route for politicians and the rich to fudge the traffic issue. Once these roads are full………they’re full; we’re gridlocked; fucked.
Car Ownership: - Each person will be allowed to own as many cars as they like. However, a premium will be levied on each car owned after the first purchase. For owners of a second car the cost of any fuel purchased and the insurance premium they pay as part of that fuel purchase for all vehicles they own will be doubled, for a third car tripled and so on. If more than one car is owned at the same address but by different family members, the cost of fuel to all householders will be doubled.
Disposal of Vehicles: - All vehicles will be taken to central government/police force controlled and owned collection points when they are no longer required; a sort of automobile’s graveyard. Here they will be stripped and crushed then recycled to make new cars. All new cars will have to contain a minimum of 65% recycled material. The service will be offered free of charge and there will be no payment for cars taken there, it will be considered part of your civic duty. The dumping of cars is strictly forbidden and anyone found doing so will be subject to a £25,000 fine and banned from driving for life for the first offence; they will be sent on a daytrip to Longleat and provide entertainment for the lions for their second offence…………
OK, that’s enough for now. The above regulations should successfully reduce the amount of traffic on our roads by about 30+% and really for very little extra cost; just a regrouping of the operating systems and a little more willingness to sort out the offenders, most of them goaded on by your toss-pot programme.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Not Dead, Just De-Composing.
The "No Knee-Jerk Show" opens tomorrow.
I know, I know, I can hear the shouts of "Where are you, Doris, when we most need you?" As is the way with my writings (and I use the word in its widest possible sense) it takes me time to sort out something I consider worthwhile saying. This means I have long gaps between postings; sorry but that's the way it is. Anyhow, I've almost finished a new piece so keep watching and your patience will be rewarded..............or your sensibilities damnned by further drivel. Well drivel it may be, but it's carefully considered drivel........................
I know, I know, I can hear the shouts of "Where are you, Doris, when we most need you?" As is the way with my writings (and I use the word in its widest possible sense) it takes me time to sort out something I consider worthwhile saying. This means I have long gaps between postings; sorry but that's the way it is. Anyhow, I've almost finished a new piece so keep watching and your patience will be rewarded..............or your sensibilities damnned by further drivel. Well drivel it may be, but it's carefully considered drivel........................
Friday, May 06, 2005
Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 11
11) ALL MY POLITICAL LIFE I HAVE STOOD UP FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY BY THE RULES. IF I AM GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE MY COUNTRY, I WILL ENSURE THAT AT LONG LAST THEIR RIGHTS COME FIRST.
Wrong – And sycophantic: This smacks of the methods used by Uriah Heep; to ingratiate yourself into the company by saying what you think people want to hear rather than toiling over the detail to give credence to a just and humane society that for some reason, Mr Howard thinks will be solved by a term of “punishment” in prison. “Common sense, decency and humanity are qualities which the British people have in abundance”, his words were the very qualities totally lacked by the Conservative Party he served in during its last term of office. Incompetence, dishonesty, lack of responsibility, and lack of accountability was the trademark of the last Conservative government, a trademark he supported. DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS MAN!
Wrong – And sycophantic: This smacks of the methods used by Uriah Heep; to ingratiate yourself into the company by saying what you think people want to hear rather than toiling over the detail to give credence to a just and humane society that for some reason, Mr Howard thinks will be solved by a term of “punishment” in prison. “Common sense, decency and humanity are qualities which the British people have in abundance”, his words were the very qualities totally lacked by the Conservative Party he served in during its last term of office. Incompetence, dishonesty, lack of responsibility, and lack of accountability was the trademark of the last Conservative government, a trademark he supported. DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS MAN!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 10
10) I BELIEVE PRISON SHOULD BE A PROPER PUNISHMENT. BUT PRISON MUST ALSO TRY AND PUT CRIMINALS ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW – TEACHING THEM TO READ AND WRITE, GETTING THEM OFF DRUGS.
RIGHT-ish – But the wrong way round: By his putting in order his belief of what prisons are for, Howard betrays his fully documented but often ignored negative stance on the human condition that is fully reflected in his forays into the immigration discussion. By using negative policies, bully-boy solutions and the “might is right” tactic of social endearment, he panders to the hawks at the expense of those less able to defend themselves. Give them the necessary tools to better themselves FIRSTLY through education and self-belief and the vast majority of citizens will never become criminals and prisoners will become the “better citizens” that, for some misguided idea, Howard thinks punishment will achieve.
Notice how he continues to use populist, well-worn phrases like “straight and narrow” and passes them off as a) his own and b) by using such phrases begins a thought process that makes a connection with Howard and the reader for entirely the WRONG reasons. Notice also how he also puts the dreaded “D” word at the end and wraps it in with illiteracy and class? This way he emphasises the “them and us” doctrine talked about in earlier works of mine. He reminds us that, in his view, only uneducated drug users commit crime, not us law-abiding, decent folk. He separates us from the criminal class making us (and him) superior to them, they are the great unwashed andsuspect, we the masters of their fate and punishment. Throughout all of his proclamations on crime and prisons, Howard makes it a class issue, remember?; we work hard, they are work-shy, we’re decent and they’re dangerous, we form social gatherings, they gather together in gangs…………………the list goes on.
Howard states that, “By challenging so-called small crimes head-on, you push back the burglars, car thieves and drug dealers responsible for so much of the crime in Britain today.” Push them back to where, exactly? Where, exactly in Howard’s vision for Britain do these people fit in? In prison, that’s where. He betrays his disregard and ignorance of what a society should contain with statements like this; statements that will become a part of the Conservative policy machine if he gets even one of his bony little chicken claws of the handlebars of power.
Howard recently said, “My approach was simple: to give the police the powers they needed to catch criminals; to give the courts the powers they needed to convict criminals; and to give our prisons the space to take persistent, serious and dangerous offenders out of circulation altogether.” and he failed in all three during his time in office. Police numbers fell, the prisons were overcrowded and, as point 9 illustrated, he released at least one dangerous drug dealer.
Grandiose statements like, “They want to know that, for a change, a politician means what he says, and will be prepared to take the rap if he fails.” is something he’s consistently failed to do over the years. But then, you’ve only to look back over his political career to see that he recycles old clichés and revamps old speeches in a cut-and-paste effort, crossing out ‘dog’ and inserting ‘goldfish’.
RIGHT-ish – But the wrong way round: By his putting in order his belief of what prisons are for, Howard betrays his fully documented but often ignored negative stance on the human condition that is fully reflected in his forays into the immigration discussion. By using negative policies, bully-boy solutions and the “might is right” tactic of social endearment, he panders to the hawks at the expense of those less able to defend themselves. Give them the necessary tools to better themselves FIRSTLY through education and self-belief and the vast majority of citizens will never become criminals and prisoners will become the “better citizens” that, for some misguided idea, Howard thinks punishment will achieve.
Notice how he continues to use populist, well-worn phrases like “straight and narrow” and passes them off as a) his own and b) by using such phrases begins a thought process that makes a connection with Howard and the reader for entirely the WRONG reasons. Notice also how he also puts the dreaded “D” word at the end and wraps it in with illiteracy and class? This way he emphasises the “them and us” doctrine talked about in earlier works of mine. He reminds us that, in his view, only uneducated drug users commit crime, not us law-abiding, decent folk. He separates us from the criminal class making us (and him) superior to them, they are the great unwashed andsuspect, we the masters of their fate and punishment. Throughout all of his proclamations on crime and prisons, Howard makes it a class issue, remember?; we work hard, they are work-shy, we’re decent and they’re dangerous, we form social gatherings, they gather together in gangs…………………the list goes on.
Howard states that, “By challenging so-called small crimes head-on, you push back the burglars, car thieves and drug dealers responsible for so much of the crime in Britain today.” Push them back to where, exactly? Where, exactly in Howard’s vision for Britain do these people fit in? In prison, that’s where. He betrays his disregard and ignorance of what a society should contain with statements like this; statements that will become a part of the Conservative policy machine if he gets even one of his bony little chicken claws of the handlebars of power.
Howard recently said, “My approach was simple: to give the police the powers they needed to catch criminals; to give the courts the powers they needed to convict criminals; and to give our prisons the space to take persistent, serious and dangerous offenders out of circulation altogether.” and he failed in all three during his time in office. Police numbers fell, the prisons were overcrowded and, as point 9 illustrated, he released at least one dangerous drug dealer.
Grandiose statements like, “They want to know that, for a change, a politician means what he says, and will be prepared to take the rap if he fails.” is something he’s consistently failed to do over the years. But then, you’ve only to look back over his political career to see that he recycles old clichés and revamps old speeches in a cut-and-paste effort, crossing out ‘dog’ and inserting ‘goldfish’.
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