Things Never Heard in Theatre

Another occasional series. Please feel free to add your own.

The Technical Rehearsal.

It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back.
We’ve been ready for hours.
There’s plenty of room for more instruments over here.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn’t last long.
That went SO well!
We’ve finished early so why don’t the crew get off home?
We’ve finished early.

The Actor: -

Don’t. Let’s not talk about me.
I’ve got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable!
I love my shoes.
No problem, I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent; here, I’ll give you his number; mention me.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.
No, leave the light where it is, I’ll walk into it.
Shall I take these cups back?
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Stage Crew: -

Not at all, that instrument isn’t in the way.
We’ll get in early and do it tomorrow.
No, no. I’m sure that’s our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again, please?
It’s a marvellous show!
I don’t need this many on the crew.
Thanks, but I don’t drink.
You’re all far too busy; I’ll push the truck onstage on my own.
That was easy.
I’ll do it right after I mop the stage.
Another props table? Certainly.
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Sound/Electrics Crew: -

I must fix the light in the publicity office.
This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
All the lights on the fixed prosc. bar a foot to the right? No problem.
No problem.
I’ll do that right away.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
Thanks, but I don’t drink.
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Director: -

That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
We’ll bring the crew onstage just before the author.
We’ll bring the crew onstage.
This chair’s fine, thank you.
Thank You.
We’ll use it as it is.
Let the crew have that day.
That’s perfect!
My round, are all the crew here?

The Choreographer: -

This floor’s fine.
Plenty warm enough, thank you.
Thank you.
The lights are spot on.
Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
One dressing room’s fine.
The costumes are perfect.
The boom positions are fine.
The wings’ space is ideal.

The Musician: -

No, the lights are fine as they are.
Of course you can have some of our space.
Foldback for the drummer? No not at all, thank you.
Do you have a waste-paper basket we can use in the pit, please?
We’ll tidy up before we go to the pub shall we?
I’ll release the “wet” into this saucer I’ve brought with me, OK?
No need, we’ll tune up at the same time as you move those pillows.
The sound is spot on, thanks you.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Conductor: -

This rostrum is the perfect height, thank you.
Thank You.
No, a 14-inch television screen is just fine.
Can we make sure the band have at least an hour for their break, please?
No, I’ve done all the rehearsal I need, thank you.
A spare hour? Give it to the stage and lighting crew, I’m more than happy.
I’m more than happy.
No, don’t re-block it. If they can’t see me I’ll move.
This dressing room’s fine.