The Face of English Football - It's white, male and baying for blood

Photo' courtesey of "The Independent" which captures so well the vein of aggression that runs through English football today.

Just think how proud their collective Mums must be. There are just over 50 "supporters" in this photo', together with that bastion of good taste and charity, Wayne Rooney, who thankfully has his back to us. Of that 50+, 5 are showing the two-fingered "V" sign (that's as in "Fuck-Off" not as in "Victory", you understand) 3 are showing the one-fingered "Up-Yours, Pussy" sign, one has his hand in the downstroke of the "wanker" salute, 1 is so incensed that he's confused by what would be the biggest insult and is flashing a three-fingered salute, 13 are at various points of the "Fuck-Off!" shout, 4 are in the various stages of the "wanker" expletive, all of them, to a man (and one woman) have the word "hate" or "kill" running through what can laughingly be classed as their "mind" and one of them is walking home with an extra £80,000 in his bank account after the game. If you could capture and bottle this venom you'd have enough vitriol to clean the rust off'f the Forth Bridge. Oh, and don't tell me, "Doris, it's not just English football that provokes such hatred, it's all over the world, y' know" 'cos that doesn't exactly make me feel any easier, OK.

I Drink, Therefore I'm Drunk...................

A Open Letter to Maxin Frith of The Independent: -


Hi, Maxine,

Interesting article concerning the Faliraki syndrome destined for the UK, much of it spot-on, but the whole missing the mark by some yardage, I feel……and the fact that we already have a Faliraki drink culture isn’t really an OK reason for opposing change. Yes, we do suffer from ‘binge-drinking’ (although I always thought that to ‘go on a binge’ was to gluttonously but infrequently over-indulge in what is seen as an everyday event of one form or another; many of those accused of this convenient media-strapline do it for three and often four nights per week; hardly a ‘binge’ more a ‘habit’, I’d say). Your description of a couple of instances (the ‘village pub’ requesting lengthened hours to complete the music nights they hold and the actions of ‘sharp-suited young men’ downing pints and chasers as the London pub threatens to close) does in fact go a long way to pinpointing where several of the problems but not their solutions lie.

The fact that young men (sharp-suited or not) and women clamour at the bar for an extra pint in addition to the one they’re drinking (and the ones they’ve possibly already consumed) and a “chaser” shouldn’t beg the reason/excuse that they’re doing it because the licensing laws in this country are so moronic (they are, I agree) this is the only way they have to consume their alcohol, but should the beg the question, “why?” Why do they have the need to down at the very least two pints and a chaser in 7-to-10 minutes? (I guess we should also ask how they’re getting home, but that’s a pointless exercise as I know we’ll be told by all, sharp-suited or on their uppers, that they’re all going to catch a bus or call a taxi, 'onest, guv'). It would, maybe, be better to analyze this (.....hm, good title for a film that; now let me see if I can sort out a story for it……) event and the modern mores and background that lead to this form of expression of self. No, I’m not going to write a diatribe about “modern youth, celebrity role models, too much money, too much time and in some cases too little intellect” etc… but you and I both know that these are just some of the underlying currents that drive these ships in bottles.

The information on your local village pub is also quite revealing. There are very few instances of large scale, drink-fuelled violence and depravity taking place in villages. That’s because there’s a level of ‘everyone being known by someone’ and a certain level of self-preservation through “community”, for want of a better word, which still permeates many of these rural areas. The increase in Saturday closing in your village pub won’t lead to alcohol-fuelled violence 24/7; that’s not what the concern is about. The concern is about inner-city and large suburban areas (where anonymity is certain, cameras or no cameras and the natural progression from this extended drinking time will be to force through the legislation concerning I.D. Cards...........I'm not paranoid, just ask that bloke who keeps following me) upping their opening times, with the alcohol manufacturer’s backing and 'competitive drive at all costs' regime, resulting in the exacerbation an already unpleasant situation.

We know this to be a fact as a visit to any week-end night in any large city will confirm; your Newcastle-upon-Tyne story well illustrates this. There is no need for any more research, by 'Mintel' or any other focus group analyst; for “research” just insert “decision delaying tactic”. In probably 7 cases out of 10 the drinks industry pays for the ‘expert research’ and ‘report outcomes’ that shape policy in their own industry and government legislation. They lobby a centre of government that is hardly a teetotal utopia for favourable findings and special dispensations (viz-a-viz the tobacco industry’s helping hand in the formula one fuck-up recently and the regular budget rise in cigarette duty but not on pipe tobacco and cigars) and manipulate adverse findings made by reputable health practitioners (who really are just trying to help out with the help of the nation in most cases) by paying other well known scientists to contest the evidence, and so muddy the water, for a fee; it’s called 'marketing'. You only have to read Mintel's report on Alcopops to understand where they're coming from............its so full of "market-speak" it should carry a government spin-doctor's health warning, but it never once questions the social ideology of such beverages; they weren't employed to do that. Indeed, ten of thirty-one - or 33% if you prefer - of Mintel’s food and drink clients (that’s the folks who pay the bills) are alcohol producers and retailers; hardly going to get unbiased reports into alcohol and its effects on society from that branch of the “research” industry methinks.

City centres, as opposed to village centres, attract more people, and so attract more businesses selling their wares, and the alcohol trade is just one of the many. Just like the clubs that were fully active when the “E” craze first started, who cut off the water in the toilets then upped the price of bottled water at the bar by ten times the original price (even took the plastic bottles of water that club-goers brought with them 'cos the bouncers said they were a dangerous weapon) the drinks industry will use any and all offers, bribes, favourable reports and attractions to get their wares sold; as long as they print, "Please Drink Sensibly" on their bottles they're rid of the problems that follow. It’s not a charity, it’s a business and there’s more competition on the high streets of our cities so the offers and "specials" become inflated, magnified and hyped.

In villages with one or two pubs the problem only arises when adverse numbers of young people gather (I’ll go into the ethnological and behavioural reasons for this if you like, but I figure I’ve almost exhausted your patience as it is). One of the cases of drink-fuelled violence in a small county town that comes to mind from recent history was in Towcester, and it only gained its troubled time after the city of Milton Keynes was built. The expansion of Northampton into Weston Favell and Stony Stratford into Galley Hill, and a subsequent increase in the population of that area by around seven-fold, together with the welding of once small villages into satellite dumping grounds for East-End of London problem families was about three-parts completed when “country-town violence” made itself felt in that town. Trace back Northampton’s history and read about what it was and what it is now; it’s not a pretty story.

What increases and kick-starts (forgive the pun) alcohol-fuelled violence, alcohol-fuelled depravity and alcohol-fuelled vandalism is…surprise, surprise….alcohol! Whatever you do with it, ban it (prohibition worked well in the U.S of A. didn’t it) ration it (black market would never start up here, not in good old Blighty) let people buy it pretty well wherever and whenever they like (the present proposal for licensed premises, disorganised freeing up of laws being seized on by our supermarket chains as another way of creaming a fast buck…but I’m sure, like it says on the bottle, they’ll "do it responsibly") or give it away free for the first half-hour (even pay to get ‘em in) we’ll always have alcohol-related problems. What it comes down to is people; people, who most often should know better given their level of "education", people and their inability to ration sensible intake of alcohol over sensible times in sensible locations without incentives, and to behave with even a modicum of self-restraint after drinking; this is something that only comes with a level of social responsibility gained through experienced parenting, responsible attitudes displayed by conglomerates, honest, open-handed government, inspiring role models…need I go on? But that'll take time, and governments aren't in it for the long haul; government office isn't for ever, it's just for Christmas.

What you have to do is to lift the level of intelligence and responsibility in a huge section of the population who only wants to become famous. Does anyone really think it’ll be ordinary, sensible folk out taking advantage of these extended hours? Drinking at three in the morning because “the pub’s so much quieter then”? I doubt it. It’ll be those who’ve already had more than their share topping up before they go out onto the streets to turn some student of physics into a vegetable then return home to make their mothers, wives, partners or pets proud of them by vomiting on the carpet and pissing in the wardrobe because, “I thought it was a toilet cubicle, love; honest.”

And, if we did get 24/7 opening hours in some pubs, you only need one in every city to do it and it’ll be the area of attraction for all, that is until the other outlet owners say, "Fuck this for a game of soldiers, they're gettin' all the profit; let's get it on!" And, even after a whole day’s drinking there will always be a number of folk who’ll want to get those two or three extra ones down ‘em before they roll home; nothing will alter that mindset, it comes as part of the package of our hedonistic and careless society; a society that looks at the case of a car driver killing one or more people and takes the fact that the driver was drunk into account as a mitigating factor by prosecuting them for manslaughter. One thing it will do for sure though is increase the opportunity for violence to pursue a 24/7 timetable. Instead of being able to get off’f the streets before the pubs kick out, as now, we’ll be treated to pockets of violent and affray happening throughout the day, and that’ll further increase people’s reluctance to go to the city centres; and you only have to see that level of brutality once, just once, to know you never, ever want to see it again. That every victim whose head is used as a football by a group of piss-head youngsters ("Prop 'im up, Dave, let's 'ave another go"....Wham!) and is then used as a blow-up-bed-pump by the ringleader ('Ere, Dave, e's not squirmin' much now, is 'e? Jump on 'im again") is some mother’s son, some woman’s husband, some young girl’s boyfriend.

“Short on answers, Doris?” Yup, you betcha, but I know the present trend of curtailed opening hours isn’t working (as your article propounds) but, unlike you, I fully believe their extension won’t decrease the levels of drink-related crime one iota. I know, I know, we’ll have to agree to differ. It’s going to go through government whatever "the people" think, it’s got the backing of the drink’s lobby for a start and at the finish that’s the nature of what we laughingly call our “democracy”; our government listen to what we've got to say on the matter then do exactly as they'd planned all along. Maybe, in a couple of year’s time we’ll chat again, you and I, and you can say, “Doris, I told you so” and I’ll be glad I was wrong, you were right and the problem’s solved, honest, I will; but forgive me if I don’t hold my breath.

ATB

Doris

Rio and Beyond - A competition letter from the common man to The Masters of the Universe

After looking forward so much to the Edinburgh fringe (yup, that time when our world leaders put together their own version of the Perrier Comedy Awards and gathered at Gleneagles to booze, stuff their faces and, in between schmoozing with each other, proclaim they were the starving people's saviours..........worked a treat, hasn't it?) and then being so disappointed at the outcome....yup, that prolonged silence was political-speak for "outcome"...... I looked back at my expressions of hope for the Rio conference all those years ago; you'd've thought I'd've got more sense by now, huh? Nope. I'm like so many others who keep getting shat on; I can't work out the circumference of the pan. I wrote the following for entry into some environmental story competition thing for people under the age of 17 for some self-satisfied society or other looking after endangered bricks or some other such great work; can't understand why it didn't make the final three. Anyhow, here it is........fuck-all changed really, has it?

It seems so prophetic, somehow, that the only way my voice can be heard (in two hundred words only, please) is by entering a competition; a competition that I am too old to enter............. Well, I'm about to fail on two counts; so, what's new? So many times during the last quarter of a century, I and millions like me have failed. We have failed each time we have seen countless groups of statesmen gather and "discover" theories and ideas that many of us have known and expounded for the past fifty years. For so much of that past half century we have put forward these same theories and ideas, well ahead of the days of enlightenment of these so-called informed thinkers, only to have them waved away or, more often, diluted by the Cerberus of compromise, isolationism and trade-off; and when agreement has been reached? So many times we have found the agreements wanting, the resolved decisions weakening, and the action lethargic, if it could be arsed to get out of bed in the first place that it. All too often ecological decisions are made that fit only into the maker's political lifetime, and the uniform of environmental and humanitarian responsibility is ill fitting on many.

If we, the rank and file of humanity can recognise these shortcomings, then how come you cannot? How come you, those that we have elevated to posts of authority and trust, and should know better given your education and that of those around you, how come you cannot see? From your elevated position you can look over the mountain; the majority can't. Their wings are clipped by the scissors of necessary self preservation wielded by the servants of vested interest. That is why we look to you for a faithful and open report on global conditions and an honest strategy for improvement; past experience has taught us that in the case of those reports, and on most strategies, the opposite is true. So, when once again you return by first-class travel from your well-fed conference with a bagful of empty promises, the flag of self interest flying high, corporate ideology in your heart and the 'forecast saying rain tomorrow' philosophy indelibly printed in your manifesto, how can you possibly be surprised at unrest or civil disobedience, at people who climb trees, dig tunnels or lie in front of tanks; if you can take this advice from such a one; Welcome to the Real World.

Cessation of human rights abuses, halting the social destruction of indigenous peoples or the reversing of wildlife conservation calamities do not get solved with a white-tie banquet of six courses and a gala ball. It might get people together to discuss them, but eventually they only get solved when someone identifies the countries involved, studies the environmental dynamics of the threatened species or habitat, recommends a series of measures to revert the abuse or decline, and the country in question holds up its hand and puts the recommendations into action, those that need it being funded by the rich countries who will also inevitably benefit. After all the bluff and political posturing is done it really is that simple. All it takes is for those in positions of power to recognise the abuses and announce that they, like us, refuse their consent.

Right now we are told that the people dying in all the terrorist excursions of the present and recent past, either willingly or no, on whatever side, soldier or civilian, guilty or innocent, are dying for a cause; it's a lie. All of these people are dying for nothing. Heroes? Don't kid yourselves. They're just another corpse that died alone and bloody. All it takes is for the leaders to say, OK. I've had enough of this. Let's do something else. Let's talk..... and it all stops.....no more bloodshed........really; cut out the government-backed arms dealers that use these skirmishes as testing grounds' for new weaponry, the banking-backed conglomerates that take cheaply from the poor to sell expensively to the rich, the politically-backed leaders that get away with genocide; cut them out and, ....."Let’s sit down and talk"; and despite all the rhetoric and the thousands that die for the cause, it only takes a handful of strategically placed people to say it and mean it and bugger-me it happens! C'mon. It's not a cause, the bloodshed, the starvation, the infanticide, the butchery, it's just a lack of political foresight deserving of a white stick, an underdeveloped sense of social conscience and an overdose of arrogance. It's not an admission of shame to own that you don't have all the answers to these abuses, we none of us have, but it's a shameful admission to recognise the abuse and do nothing about it.

Here, at Rio Earth Summit +5, you have been granted a further opportunity and been furnished with the necessary information and public support to soar like eagles; to rise above those selfish, earthbound contemporaries who moralise over the rights of countries whose people now want egress to the door marked "equal shares" and a right to decent lives and living as though it were somehow undemocratic to give them the components that we have. The components that would allow them the chance to cease searching the ground for grains of 'now', and lift their eyes to the horizon of 'future'. If current trends and thinking predominate, the horizon you are being shown by the politoglomerates from their false peaks of exploitation and amusement, even viewed through the most optimistic telescope, is, at best, happiness for the few, at worst a mirage for all. In Rio, you are being asked to stand next to an environmental furnace; unfortunately, many there just want you to warm your hands and bake a few chestnuts; don't be hoodwinked by them. If you have the courage to open the door, if you can stand the heat and more, to show yourselves to be good smiths, we will work alongside you; help to create a mould that this time doesn't fracture during the casting. A mould in which we can forge an empathetic, global human network where everyone succeeds with the help of the community, not the few succeed at its expense.

Throughout the past fifty years, like some of you now present, we too have attempted to open the door of that environmental furnace and been burnt for our trouble, yet we still keep returning. We return for no personal profit, just in the sure knowledge that we have got to get the mould right; sooner rather than later. What we have begun to accept, once again and seemingly far earlier than those whose finger is supposedly on the pulse of current ecological thinking, is that our energy and the supply of raw materials is fast running out. Soon we won't have enough sand to make another mould.

You say you are acting on behalf of the people. If that is so, why don't you listen to what they are saying? Listen now. If we point out to you that some people in the world are starving, it's not necessarily because our ultimate aim is to corner the bread market; if someone informs you, after twenty years of study, that tigers and gorillas are becoming extinct through hunting and habitat destruction, it's not necessarily because they deal in aphrodisiacs and are concerned about a droop in the market; if someone tells you that indigenous tribes are being lost through habitat encroachment and disturbance, it's not necessarily because they want to corner the market in ethnic art; if someone tells you they have an answer to the problem twins of a thinning ozone layer and an increase in the number of sunburn victims, it's not necessarily because they are in the fashion business and want to increase sales in the sun-glasses and sun cream market. Strange as it may seem, it could just be they are telling you the truth just because it is the truth, that if they didn't care it wouldn't matter, but they do so it does. That the tiger and gorilla are becoming extinct, indigenous peoples and civilisations are being destroyed, the global warming and the incidence of skin cancer is increasing, that "those people over there with no food and no hope of growing any" actually are starving. Ask us. Strange as it may seem you will find that we do care, that we would offer our unconditional, unselfish commitment in return for someone's, almost anyone's honest, unbiased blueprint for building another mould...... before the sand runs out.

So, with all these feelings bound up in my breast, I look for ways to express them and, after all this writing, I hear the echo of the typewriter keys and find the room empty. Once again I am faced with the only avenue of expression that could ever make a difference; the well blocked ears of the conference delegates that are here, in Rio, to carry out the people's wishes. And I know, even as I write, that the avenue is a dead-end on a distant planet for, try as I might to find a platform upon which to discuss my fears, I find only political quicksand. I search for people of quality and uncover bigotry, arrogance and isolationism; I listen for words of truth and vision and find a sound-bite philosophy standing on a foundation of platitudes and buzz-words. I look into the eyes of the delegates who reel off the pre-bargained, pre-scripted ecological messages as they pose on the steps of some architectural backdrop and, with much sadness, become more convinced in my belief that my voice will never be heard outside my own head, and that the best I can hope for is to rail at a television magazine....... through the entering a competition; a competition that I am too old to enter......

Things Never Heard in Theatre

Another occasional series. Please feel free to add your own.

The Technical Rehearsal.

It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back.
We’ve been ready for hours.
There’s plenty of room for more instruments over here.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn’t last long.
That went SO well!
We’ve finished early so why don’t the crew get off home?
We’ve finished early.

The Actor: -

Don’t. Let’s not talk about me.
I’ve got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable!
I love my shoes.
No problem, I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent; here, I’ll give you his number; mention me.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.
No, leave the light where it is, I’ll walk into it.
Shall I take these cups back?
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Stage Crew: -

Not at all, that instrument isn’t in the way.
We’ll get in early and do it tomorrow.
No, no. I’m sure that’s our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again, please?
It’s a marvellous show!
I don’t need this many on the crew.
Thanks, but I don’t drink.
You’re all far too busy; I’ll push the truck onstage on my own.
That was easy.
I’ll do it right after I mop the stage.
Another props table? Certainly.
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Sound/Electrics Crew: -

I must fix the light in the publicity office.
This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
All the lights on the fixed prosc. bar a foot to the right? No problem.
No problem.
I’ll do that right away.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
Thanks, but I don’t drink.
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Director: -

That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
We’ll bring the crew onstage just before the author.
We’ll bring the crew onstage.
This chair’s fine, thank you.
Thank You.
We’ll use it as it is.
Let the crew have that day.
That’s perfect!
My round, are all the crew here?

The Choreographer: -

This floor’s fine.
Plenty warm enough, thank you.
Thank you.
The lights are spot on.
Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
One dressing room’s fine.
The costumes are perfect.
The boom positions are fine.
The wings’ space is ideal.

The Musician: -

No, the lights are fine as they are.
Of course you can have some of our space.
Foldback for the drummer? No not at all, thank you.
Do you have a waste-paper basket we can use in the pit, please?
We’ll tidy up before we go to the pub shall we?
I’ll release the “wet” into this saucer I’ve brought with me, OK?
No need, we’ll tune up at the same time as you move those pillows.
The sound is spot on, thanks you.
No thanks, I don’t drink.
No, honestly, it’s my round.

The Conductor: -

This rostrum is the perfect height, thank you.
Thank You.
No, a 14-inch television screen is just fine.
Can we make sure the band have at least an hour for their break, please?
No, I’ve done all the rehearsal I need, thank you.
A spare hour? Give it to the stage and lighting crew, I’m more than happy.
I’m more than happy.
No, don’t re-block it. If they can’t see me I’ll move.
This dressing room’s fine.

Top Gear's Best Driving Song....Excuse me, but.....

.........when was "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen EVER thought to be a "good driving song"? "Hammer to Fall", "Tie Y' MOther Down", OK, but "Don't Stop Me Now"....? I don't think so. You've obviously missed the point, again, and so I offer the first in an occasional series: -

Greatest Alternative Driving Song of All Time
Top Ten Compiled especially for the Car-Park Tossers

10 - Eric Clapton - I Shot the Red Light

9 - Dick van Dyke/Julie Andrews and those Bloody Penguins
Superchargingroadusecarskillwankersandtheirspouses

8 - Neil Young - Keep on Drivin’ in the Fast Lane

7 - Jimi Hendrix - Rainy Day, Spin Away

6 - AC/DC - For Those about to Brake (Sniff Some More
Glue)

5 - Bryan Adams - That was the Last Day of my Life
(Skiddin’ the Corvette ’69)

4 - Chris de Burgh – Drivin’ Again (I think it’s Le Mans)

3 – The Who – I Can Speed for Miles

2 – Queen – Another One Strips a Clutch

1 – Rush – Red Barchetta

An Open Letter to Deborah Orr of 'The Independent'

Article Headline: "Is this the freedom they fought for?"

Hi, Deborah,
This may not be the answer (or indeed length of answer) you were expecting or would want; they're just the views of a 56-year-old fat-man, some problematic, some very leftfield and all of it befuddled and hazy. "Is this the freedom they fought for?" 'Fraid so, yes, but in a far more subtle and complete way than at first thought, and with our tacit complicity; all of us. Lets start with a truism if ever there was one; "Why of course the people don't want to go to war......but after all it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship.....Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and for exposing the country to danger." Hermann Goering said that at Nuremberg in 1946. The only thing missing from today's ideology is that he should have included a message from his sponsors..........Krupp possibly?

My father and millions like him joined up, got called up whichever and fought to give his children and their children's children a shot (forgive the pun) at a better future than he'd been offered by either his social position or Mr. A. Hitler. All would probably have been OK-ish if the development of the euphoria and sense of "freedom" that followed VE and VJ days and "an end to hostilities" (that's what we've got now, in case you were confused) had, by and large, remained in the hands of those who fought for it; it would also have helped to ensure that the pace of change remained at a speed they could cope with. But, as is the way with most if not all 'ends' of hostilities' (that word again) the powerful few who'd manipulated and manufactured the wars (you know, politicians, fanatics, conglomerates, you know, those people who gave London's - and every other city's - suicide bomber the reason to 'get it on') increased their grip on the psyche of the masses and perverted their desire for peace and prosperity into a self-serving desire for "fluff". A confused and shell-shocked nation quickly succumbed to the lure of the ad-man's brave new world, sold to you exclusively by the very British firms who'd sold barbed-wire to the Germans in 1913-14-15-16 so's our troops could get snagged on it when they advanced on the enemy trenches. Then they'd be used as bayonet or long-range, rifle target practice by that enemy after "the rush" subsided. Left to "the people", you see, the movement forward was insufficiently fast enough for those brought up in an era when the maxim was "Get on - Get honour - Get honest".... Gosh, two truisms in one Email!

Time was (no I'm not going to wax lyrical about "the good old days", relax) in my father's and your father's day, and even though they weren't in positions of power, there was a season to everything, a time for everything, and everything happening in its own timescale at the correct pace. In this way the population had an opportunity to get used to new technology, practices, social changes, new rules and behaviour alterations at a steady pace, learned of possible pitfalls along the way, adjusted their patterns of work, behaviour, fiscal power and acceptance levels, social betterment..........JEEESSUUSSSSS!!!! Too damn slow! There's no profit in patience! With the second World War out of the way and so the closing up of an easily followed profit route, there was a short-lived opening rush to re-equip and re-build the communities so badly damaged by hostilities (word of the week, methinks) that allowed them to turn a coin, but that, too, soon reached an end. Lesson 1: If you build a house, a car, a vacuum cleaner or a washing machine that lasts for a lifetime you soon run out of options for profit. At first they made things simple but then everyone thought they could do it. Lesson 2: Fluff it up in a veritable smokescreen of verbal trouser-rolling that's as obscure and as codal as Sanskrit.

The reigns of control were relaxed on a relaxing generation who now got their bread from a packet, ready sliced, dyed white and pure and lasting an astounding three days before it went stale, that and the promise of white teeth and even whiter sheets. Their circuses comprised of fancy footwork to dance bands and not the fancy footwork required to dodge bullets and new wonders were rolling off the production line and hitting the shops as fast as a bren-gun empties its clip; all that was needed was a way to keep the public dancing and dancing and buying and buying. Enter T.V., disposable income, rock 'n' roll, the marketing trick of crossing out "dog" and putting in "goldfish", "lifestyle" magazines, marketing advisors...........the list goes on and it's what we want, isn't it? Would you go back to rubbing the clothes up and down a washboard for three hours every Monday, having no buses on a Sunday, no shops open at 01.30, a 12 hour lifestyle instead of a 24 hour one.....'Muffin the Mule' instead of 'Celebrity Love Island'....? Bugger, might have slipped up there.....

The lifestyle carrot was stewed with ersatz fluff and sold to a gullible, still reeling public who believed a clean toilet and frozen dinner would be the zenith of the very freedom their folks had all fought for (somehow missing the point along the way that, if they bought the frozen dinner took it home a tipped it down the pan then they could cut out the middle man altogether). Social and political calendars were run by and for the 'Society People' (important sporting events seen as the domain of the upper classes happening mid-week, retired Major's with experience in shooting, wine tasting and ordering people about given full or partial control of the governing bodies of recreation, employment, government cabinets - much like now with politicians, where you can come out of uni. with a degree in economics, get a job as Minister for Sport (?) await the next cabinet shuffle and become the Minister for Education.....(?) - You want to see what happens if I, a production manager and struggling writer working in touring theatre, try to get a job as a head chef somewhere.....? "So, Peter, what experience do you have of cooking.....?")

The degree of separation between the haves and have-nots has always been great, but the satisfaction levels in the lower orders was fast declining as they kept buying and dancing in ever faster circles; methods of keeping them down on the farm were becoming more difficult to invent.......... Welcome the National Lottery! The maxim of divide and rule made flesh. People don't want to get rich after they're dead, no bloody good then, is it? No, they want to get rich now, "I said NOW!" and planning for generations to come was seen as passé (Sir Bob taught us that) so you may was well spend the pension fund and be done with it. You think 'Big Brother' is bad......? Just wait 'til we get 400 channels for 36 hours a day, then you'll have room to complain. And nothing you or I do will stop it, will halt it. I mean, cripes, we can't even get these so-called clever men to listen to real experts and go beyond admitting that human activity might.....that's a "might"...have had some effect on global warming and the possible destruction of our planet, so a certainty of understanding by simple folk like us of what will happen to future generations won't alter things....but then, these 400 channels.....its what we want, what we demand (more outlets for our writing, our programmes, our celebrity challenge). But more importantly and certainly its what the rulers want, the leaders that gather in Texas every two years to discuss strategies for domination (check it out, not a joke). They want and NEED a soporific and pliable population bloated on crass space-fillers and with everything else 'just out of reach'; a soporific and pliable public that's either so intent on finding enough grains of rice on the floor in order to live they've no time to glance to the horizon or else scrambling after the jackpot and prepared to sell all to gain it; Mao was right, the strength of the state is in conformity and the governments of this world have taken up both Mao's and Goering's mantra and preached it as their own; given the right signals the mob can be persuaded to do anything, and you should never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Its heresy, but one of the reasons that our careless, oafish, brutal society that is so full of this "freedom" (or, as our politicicians keep referring to it, "choice") is on the march is because the folk who have any amount of nous limit their families and then work at bringing them up to a level that has society and sociological mores at its heart; they have the "freedom" to make that choice. Unfortunately this makes them weak because they use reason and discussion to solve problems, and you look a bit stupid when you're stating the case for a detailed examination of the thinking process behind antisocial behaviour and how best to tackle it whilst having your teeth thrust up your aresole! These others, the "thrusters of teeth", those other people basking in "choice", the fast approaching majority? Well, they "choose" to breed like rabbits and care less and less about the welfare of the brood because there's always more where they came from. They've been bought up in the corruption of the lie of freedom that says "Don't do as you would be done by, you're free to do just as you want"; it's a certain fact they'll be the majority very soon, their continuous "freedom" to enjoy state-funded fecundity will see to that and they'll be easily manipulated, easily stirred to riot and malpractice, easily blamed....the very fodder of Mr Goering in fact. But then, it doesn't take millions to rule, just one nutter in a group of "sensitives" and you've got grief-and-claret a-plenty. Walk the city-centres of a Friday and Saturday night, it just takes one........... Those children, those little 7 and 8 and 10 year-olds that were raped, in Manchester was it, by a 14 year old? They were out playing in a park..................at 21.00 hours.......?! Big Brother is their idol, Pot Noodle their gourmet sustenance, The Daily Star and The Sun their manifesto, soaps their social ethics committee and the Jade Goody's, Pete Doherty's and Tara Palmer-Tomkinsons of this world their role models. They inhabit a world where the king's new clothes are today's fashion and where children send 'round robins' of Email death-threats and every Internet connection is met with a barrage of pop-ups and advertising for fluff and porn.......because they're "free" to do so.

The corrupted freedom we have now is one that says, anything goes....an' I'll kick y' fuckin' teeth down y' throat if y' disagree!So many shit items are feted as the new something or other by psueds in DJ's with agendas as poisonous and as selfish as the power brokers; they do it for sex, for money, for fame, for notoriety, for entertainment; mostly ours. Those people who become suicide bombers can't be explained with rational thought and conceptions, they are above and beyond that. They're fed a disjointed logic, a logic that says killing disenfranchised people (just like them) with no voice or control of future events except a vote once every five years if they're lucky (just like them) will alter the way government works. (It does occur to me what would happen if these bombing factions got their way, held power and were able to do as they wished as leaders......!) In our turn, we are also preached false doctrines, ones that tell us if you lose the vote then you've still won the election (politicians) the one that tells us to be responsible for our own actions and resign if we become tarnished, "Now excuse me whilst I collect my 65-zillion pound bonus for driving the railway network/post office (insert the name of your own public service here) into spiralling debt and confusion.....oh, and a few lost lives on the way...." (public servants, and I use the word "servant" in its loosest possible sense here) the one that tells us honesty and the family comes first, "Now excuse me whilst I go and knock up my secretary" (politicians again) the list goes on and so does the hypocrisy within, and subjugation of, the masses.

Nothing we do, or say will have any impact or change the situation because we too are denied the opportunity to express our wish for change by successive governments who use "the fudge" as a political tool, the official secrets act as a get-out-of-jail-free card and tell the ignorant proletariat we, "Just don't understand how complex the situation is and that what we're doing, we're doing for your own good.........." Beware a politician who uses that as the reason for change, they'll slip in so many codicils to the bill you'll find it hard to take a dump without a licence. See, I told you it was befuddled and hazy.....'sound and fury'......... I'll close now, if you've got this far you deserve a coffee. I do read your 'Independent' column and enjoy it (there's a recommendation) but as you can see, sometimes it makes me cross..... I'll post this note on my Blogsite in the next couple of days, so that should guarantee me world-wide anonymity. Take care of y'self.

Doris

TOP GEAR - AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESENTERS

OK, you foot-pedal fuckwits! You are the spawn of Thatcherism and I’ve had enough of watching you dodge tanks and helicopters, race each other to “Some Trendy Skiing Resort or Other”, squeal round race tracks “just to show what a good driver I am” and whinge on about how put-upon the poor old motorist in the four-wheel truck is. I’ve worked out a way to make our roads safer and less congested, apart from fucking you lot off’f it that is. I reckon that actions and legislation like those listed below are the only way to create a relatively safer and longer-lasting environment for us all (even you lot, though you don’t deserve it) and although the rules listed below won’t suit petrol-penises like your good selves, well, tough titty.


Driving a Car: - Most insurers (see “Road Tax and Insurance” below) are really reluctant to grant insurance to anyone less than 21 years of age for less than a squillion pounds……and that’s third party f&t mind…… Bearing this in mind, the age limit at which a car can be driven (see “Driving Instruction and Tests” below) will be raised to 21 years old. Anyone found driving a car before this age will be subject to a £5000 fine and a 10 year ban. If that person is in the company of others then those passengers, whatever their involvement (except, maybe, if they are the victim of a kidnap attempt..............maybe) are also subject to the same punishment.

Road Tax and Insurance: - These charges will be scrapped and added onto fuel prices reviewed annually in the budget as of now. This will mean those who use the roads most or burn vats-full of fuel by squealing round car parks with their mates will pay most towards the upkeep of our highways…………the latter just for their stupidity actually. The “tax” part of the fuel charge will go straight into government coffers, the “insurance” part of the fuel charge will go into a central fund and be spread amongst any insurers operating in this field. A sliding scale based on the percentage of the total number of driver's insured will deem how much each insurance company receives; those insuring the most drivers gaining the most payout, those insuring the least, the least payout. Each insurance company will deposit 15% of their total profit each year into a general “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. In the event of an insurance company going bust, the remaining insurance companies will have the now uninsured driver’s spread equally onto their books at no extra charge the car drivers’. These insurers remaining will then seek recompense from the “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. The only insurance level allowed will be Fully Comprehensive and all insurance companies will, in the first instance and regardless as to who is to blame in the event of any accident or mishap, be legally required to cover and pay for all legal, medical-and-claims-for-damages costs and awards of those involved in any incident. The insurance company/ies involved will then have the opportunity to claim against the guilty party/ies for financial redress, the person/s involved having their licence removed until payment is made in full for all claims. All repairs and any health and rehabilitation costs of those innocent parties involved will also be guaranteed for payment by the insurance companies. This payment will then be gathered back from the guilty party in the incident, it will be at the insurer’s expense to recover this payment; it’s about time they actually got involved in the day-to-day costs of the “driving experience”.

Driving Instruction and Tests: - In line with the “Driving a Car” paragraph above, the age level at which one can obtain a licence will obviously be raised to 21 years-of-age with a special clause inserted (to be known as the “Big Exhaust-Small Penis Codicil”) for anyone with a non-standard, large-bore exhaust on their car, inappropriate spoiler or anything other than the standard loudspeakers fitted by the manufacturer of their vehicle. All such “vehicle beautification” culprits will be required to have their car fitted with carpets that are impregnated with ‘odour of dogshit’ and these will remain in the vehicle until they get these items removed……oh yes, and anyone wearing a baseball cap whilst driving will be shot on sight, you look nothing like Michael Schumacher, you just look stupid! Anyone found driving a car before the age of 21 will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and be disqualified from driving for life for the third offence. All driving tests will be upgraded and the “Advanced Driver’s Test” of today will become the normal driving test entry level.

Traffic Police: - Core funding (minimum staffing levels, property bases – that’s police stations to you thick buggers – one-off capital bids, legal costs etc) to be met from central government funds; all other funding (extra staff, extra/new equipment, overtime, the Policeman’s Ball, etc) to be met from successful prosecutions, fines, on-the-spot-charges, car confiscations and subsequent sales etc, including all the fine levels listed throughout this document. Each region will have its own force and they will compete each year for a 5-million-pound prize, the winner being the force with the most successful convictions for speeding in any 12-month period.

Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 1: - There will be a zero-tolerance strategy implemented. From 1st July 2005 it will be illegal to drive with ANY level of alcohol in the bloodstream AT ALL, indeed, so sensitive will be the equipment mentioned below, it may even be illegal to drive after sucking on a wine gum. To cut down on the possibility of this law being breached, research will be entered into immediately that will come up with an in-car breathalyzer that is part of the car’s ignition system. Drivers will have to breathe into a dash-mounted tube and any reading of alcohol on the breath will render the car’s ignition system out of commission. To stop other’s breathing into the tube for the rat-arsed driver, each dash-mounted tube will carry a trigger-grip that has to be held in order for the breathalyser to work which will have a copy of the driver’s palm print as part of the ignition system. The steering wheel will also house the same palm-print and be linked to the ignition allowance system. These print recognition systems will also drastically reduce the incidence of car theft. Anyone who lays their hands on awheel that dos not match their print will have a blast of purple powder showered over them that will only wear off after several weeks. This will cloud up the inside of the car making visbility zero and subtlety less than complete. All cleaning of the said motor car will be charged to the purple people which they will pay for and carry out as part of their punishment.

Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 2: – Anyone found driving a vehicle with any level of alcohol in their bloodstream will be fined £3,000 and banned for 5 years for the first offence, fined £10,000 and disqualified for 10 for the second offence and a £20,000 fine and disqualified for life for the third. There will be no mitigating circumstances allowed in court, indeed no 'not-guilty' plea either; y' drank it, y' did it, now fuck off. There will be no leave for appeal and all drivers convicted for first and second offences will have to undergo and pass another, far stricter, extra-advanced driving test before being allowed back into a motor vehicle. Second conviction motorists will also have to undergo a full term of Alcoholics Anonymous strategies and teachings as well as complete a period of work for an inner-city A&E Unit.

Speeding: - There will be new speed limits put on our roads and they will be as follows: -

All roads with speed/traffic calming devices- 15mph

All other areas designated as “Built Up” and on single track/”country” type roads - 25mph

Ordinary “B” type roads - 50mph

Ordinary “A” type roads – 60mph

Dual Carriageways – 70mph

Motorways - 100mph

A plus figure of 4mph will be given as leeway for the designated speed levels on our highways. Any speed above this level is an offence and as such will be subject to the following levels of punishment.

First Offence - £1000 fine and a mandatory 3-month ban.

Second Offence - £1500 fine and a mandatory 1-year disqualification plus a re-test before renewal of licence.

Third Offence - £2000 fine and a mandatory 5-year disqualification plus 12 months community service in a local A&E unit and a re-test before renewal of licence.

Fourth Offence - £5000 fine and a mandatory life disqualification and 12 months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below).

All fine payments will be deducted automatically from wage or benefit payments. Anyone found driving during their banned period will have an automatic life-time disqualification and eighteen months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below). If a third-party has knowingly allowed the disqualified driver access to their car then that person will also be subjected to a life disqualification.

Car Lifestyle Changes: – There are several sections here.

1) Speed control software will be fitted to all cars to regulate maximum speeds and conform to those new mandatory speed limits mentioned above.

2) All cars will be fitted with a self-cleaning BarCode plate. This will be etched onto the underside of the vehicle and form part of a National Vehicle Register. Laser, BarCode readers will be embedded in the road’s surface at all cross-roads, “T” junctions, traffic and pedestrian lights. Any vehicle that has a BarCode that is unreadable will be subject to an ignition cut off activated at the first BarCode reader they encounter. This will render the car un-start-able until the BarCode is either cleaned or replaced. In each offence of the above the driver will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, disqualified for life plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and in each case the vehicle will be impounded, re-BarCoded and sold by the police at auction. This BarCode recognition will also form part of the car’s safety features. It will have to be punched into a special key to unlock the car and fire-up the ignition/breathalyser start-up procedure. It will also help to remedy the problems police face when engaging in crime detection. BarCoded pathways will be able to trace recent traffic at the signs of accidents, murders, drugs deals and other such nefarious activity.

3) The maximum speed of all cars will be at the manufacturer’s discretion. However, on any car that has a speed capability in excess of the maximum speed limit above i.e. 100mph, there will be a two-phase safety device fitted that will allow the vehicle to be driven either in “Traffic” mode or “Competition” mode. The operation of “Competition” mode will only be activated by a special BarCode Reader which will allow the extra speed; these BarCode Readers will be placed at the entrance to all racing circuits with a reverse action triggered when the vehicle leaves.

4) Incentives to buy and use cars that can only reach the maximum allowable speed (100mph) in the shape of free fuel allowances will be offered to all car users opting for that type of vehicle.

5) Whilst understanding how dangerous and slippery pigeon-shit can be to the average driver on a wet road, the use of four-wheel-drive-off-road vehicles as regualr runabouts will be discouraged. All such vehicles will have a top speed of 30mph, will attract a fuel levy of triple the normal price paid and have to carry, by law, a loudspeaker system that announces, in the inside of the vehicle, “I’m a stupid wanker with the brain the size of a weevil and a sexual inadequacy akin to the size of one of the larger continents’” at 40dcb every thirty seconds of travel.

6) All schools will have a 1-mile parking ban placed around them, excepting, of course, for those who live in the road upon which the school is situated. In these cases and wherever possible, providing this does not interfere with traffic flow, an electric barrier will be erected at each end of the school’s road with householders having a pass in order to get them into the street where they live. As a secondary safety device they’ll have to sing that song too…… To cut down on the use of unauthorised parking in the “school roads”, each house will have its own parking bay and each school will have its own parking attendants; these last will be funded from the police budget. A red/green light will be placed on a pole at each parking bay, the correct car in that space lighting up the green light through its correct and matching BarCode. Any car lighting up the red light will have all four wheels clamped, be towed away, re BarCoded and sold by the police at auction.

7) All use of “Bull-bars” will be banned. Those people who have them fitted at the time of this law enactment will have just 48 hours to get them removed and there will be no compensation for any expense incurred; those people who defy the research into accidents and fatality levels and have continued to fit and drive vehicles with bull-bars deserve nothing for their crass and selfish stupidity. Anyone found with a bull-bar on their vehicle after this date will pay a £3000 fine, be banned from driving for 1 year, attend a six-month stint in a local A&E unit and the car will be impounded, re BarCoded and sold.

8) Parking is a vexing problem. Except in areas of extreme narrowness or in obvious problem areas (dual carriageways, motorways, islands etc), all parking restrictions on highways will be removed. There will be no double parking allowed, however, all vehicles doing so will be immediately disposed of in a portable car-crush as will any vehicle causing an obstruction; there will be no redress or alleviation for car loss and elderly members or children left in said vehicles whilst the owner “just slips into the newsagents” will be crushed along with the vehicle. If this proves to be a popular spectator sport, then the proceeds from any tickets sold will go to the Police Widow’s Federation. On all designated roads, parking bays will be laid out and meters placed on them, as they are now, for payment. To obtain a parking ticket the driver will deposit his keys and palm-print at the meter for his/her bay. This will enable the driver to park and not have to worry about losing his keys and also guarantees payment. The palm print will be read and a fixed parking fee of £1 per hour will be levied onto the driver’s bank account or social security payout centre and collected via direct debit at the end of each month. Default of payment will mean permanent loss of the vehicle involved and withholding of licence until the full amount is paid. Parking will only be allowed in these designated parking places. All other cars found parked “illegally” will be clamped (all four wheels) and owners will only have their car released when they have paid a £400 fine. If the fine is unpaid within a 24 hour period, the vehicle will be removed by the police and either sold at auction or crushed, depending on the re-sale value and the health and temper and general cash-flow of the police authority involved; there will be no storage or reclaiming of such vehicles. All semi-private parking areas (supermarkets, shopping centres etc) will also be required by law to clamp (all four wheels) any vehicle found parking outside a designated parking box. These cars will be given no leeway because they belong to the “Just Getting a Lottery Ticket” or “Just Getting 20 Fags” brigade. They will only be released when the owner has paid a £200 fine that will be donated to a “charity of the week”, the choosing of which is decided upon by the staff of the supermarket or shopping centre. If there is a refusal to pay or no payment after 24 hours, the owners of the parking lot have the right to remove and sell the vehicle through the police strategy, the money going to the charity of choice.

Driver’s Prisons: - Prisons for all those committed for any of the offences mentioned above will be built and funded direct from taxation. These prisons will house inmates who will be required to work on the highways in this country maintaining, repairing and generally looking after their upkeep for which they will be paid the minimum wage, the money being placed in a savings account for the local hospital, drug-dependency unit or A.A. base; this strategy will also release local Council workers for other duties. Prison inmates will wear boiler suits for this outside work and each boiler suit will have the nature of the crime committed by the wearer printed in large letters on the back such as; “Speeding Child Killer” – or – “Alcoholic Driver” – or – “Big Deafening Exhaust User” – or – “Drum ‘N’ Bass Driver”. There will be no general T.V. or games allowed in these prisons. All T.V. programmes will be aimed at making them better, more responsible drivers. Regular visits to local A&E units will be arranged and lectures, education programmes and all methods of health and lifestyle programmes will be an integral part of prison life. All inmates will be required to reach a grade one pass in general first aid and resuscitation techniques before being released from prison.

Road Building: - All new road building will cease and whatever roads we have now will have to cope with the volume of traffic we create. There will be no toll roads or “special highways for important people” as this will only create an avoidance route for politicians and the rich to fudge the traffic issue. Once these roads are full………they’re full; we’re gridlocked; fucked.

Car Ownership: - Each person will be allowed to own as many cars as they like. However, a premium will be levied on each car owned after the first purchase. For owners of a second car the cost of any fuel purchased and the insurance premium they pay as part of that fuel purchase for all vehicles they own will be doubled, for a third car tripled and so on. If more than one car is owned at the same address but by different family members, the cost of fuel to all householders will be doubled.

Disposal of Vehicles: - All vehicles will be taken to central government/police force controlled and owned collection points when they are no longer required; a sort of automobile’s graveyard. Here they will be stripped and crushed then recycled to make new cars. All new cars will have to contain a minimum of 65% recycled material. The service will be offered free of charge and there will be no payment for cars taken there, it will be considered part of your civic duty. The dumping of cars is strictly forbidden and anyone found doing so will be subject to a £25,000 fine and banned from driving for life for the first offence; they will be sent on a daytrip to Longleat and provide entertainment for the lions for their second offence…………

OK, that’s enough for now. The above regulations should successfully reduce the amount of traffic on our roads by about 30+% and really for very little extra cost; just a regrouping of the operating systems and a little more willingness to sort out the offenders, most of them goaded on by your toss-pot programme.

Not Dead, Just De-Composing.

The "No Knee-Jerk Show" opens tomorrow.

I know, I know, I can hear the shouts of "Where are you, Doris, when we most need you?" As is the way with my writings (and I use the word in its widest possible sense) it takes me time to sort out something I consider worthwhile saying. This means I have long gaps between postings; sorry but that's the way it is. Anyhow, I've almost finished a new piece so keep watching and your patience will be rewarded..............or your sensibilities damnned by further drivel. Well drivel it may be, but it's carefully considered drivel........................

Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 11

11) ALL MY POLITICAL LIFE I HAVE STOOD UP FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY BY THE RULES. IF I AM GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE MY COUNTRY, I WILL ENSURE THAT AT LONG LAST THEIR RIGHTS COME FIRST.

Wrong – And sycophantic: This smacks of the methods used by Uriah Heep; to ingratiate yourself into the company by saying what you think people want to hear rather than toiling over the detail to give credence to a just and humane society that for some reason, Mr Howard thinks will be solved by a term of “punishment” in prison. “Common sense, decency and humanity are qualities which the British people have in abundance”, his words were the very qualities totally lacked by the Conservative Party he served in during its last term of office. Incompetence, dishonesty, lack of responsibility, and lack of accountability was the trademark of the last Conservative government, a trademark he supported. DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS MAN!

Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 10

10) I BELIEVE PRISON SHOULD BE A PROPER PUNISHMENT. BUT PRISON MUST ALSO TRY AND PUT CRIMINALS ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW – TEACHING THEM TO READ AND WRITE, GETTING THEM OFF DRUGS.

RIGHT-ish – But the wrong way round: By his putting in order his belief of what prisons are for, Howard betrays his fully documented but often ignored negative stance on the human condition that is fully reflected in his forays into the immigration discussion. By using negative policies, bully-boy solutions and the “might is right” tactic of social endearment, he panders to the hawks at the expense of those less able to defend themselves. Give them the necessary tools to better themselves FIRSTLY through education and self-belief and the vast majority of citizens will never become criminals and prisoners will become the “better citizens” that, for some misguided idea, Howard thinks punishment will achieve.

Notice how he continues to use populist, well-worn phrases like “straight and narrow” and passes them off as a) his own and b) by using such phrases begins a thought process that makes a connection with Howard and the reader for entirely the WRONG reasons. Notice also how he also puts the dreaded “D” word at the end and wraps it in with illiteracy and class? This way he emphasises the “them and us” doctrine talked about in earlier works of mine. He reminds us that, in his view, only uneducated drug users commit crime, not us law-abiding, decent folk. He separates us from the criminal class making us (and him) superior to them, they are the great unwashed andsuspect, we the masters of their fate and punishment. Throughout all of his proclamations on crime and prisons, Howard makes it a class issue, remember?; we work hard, they are work-shy, we’re decent and they’re dangerous, we form social gatherings, they gather together in gangs…………………the list goes on.

Howard states that, “By challenging so-called small crimes head-on, you push back the burglars, car thieves and drug dealers responsible for so much of the crime in Britain today.” Push them back to where, exactly? Where, exactly in Howard’s vision for Britain do these people fit in? In prison, that’s where. He betrays his disregard and ignorance of what a society should contain with statements like this; statements that will become a part of the Conservative policy machine if he gets even one of his bony little chicken claws of the handlebars of power.

Howard recently said, “My approach was simple: to give the police the powers they needed to catch criminals; to give the courts the powers they needed to convict criminals; and to give our prisons the space to take persistent, serious and dangerous offenders out of circulation altogether.” and he failed in all three during his time in office. Police numbers fell, the prisons were overcrowded and, as point 9 illustrated, he released at least one dangerous drug dealer.

Grandiose statements like, “They want to know that, for a change, a politician means what he says, and will be prepared to take the rap if he fails.” is something he’s consistently failed to do over the years. But then, you’ve only to look back over his political career to see that he recycles old clichés and revamps old speeches in a cut-and-paste effort, crossing out ‘dog’ and inserting ‘goldfish’.

Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 9

9) I BELIEVE THAT CRIMINALS SHOULD SERVE THEIR SENTENCES IN FULL.

Wrong – And hypocritical: Amazing really that someone who is supposed to be so clever (he was a lawyer you know) can have failed to see to stupidity of such a statement. I could write a load of guff about my feelings on this one, but I felt it best to leave it to the professionals, the investigative journalists who produced the following gem of information; my thanks to them for doing such an excellent job.

RECORD INVESTIGATION: PAUL FERRIS, MICHAEL HOWARD &THE DRUG BARON'S PARDON

Feb 22 2005
Tory leader in new probe on gun deal
By Richard Elias And Reg Mckay

MICHAEL Howard's political leadership is under threat from a multi-millionaire drug baron contact of former Scots gangland enforcer Paul Ferris. The Tory leader faces new questions over why he freed John Haase - a vicious gangster who poured drugs and guns on to the streets of Scotland as well as his native Liverpool.

A fresh inquiry has been launched into the scandal which saw Haase and his nephew Paul Bennett serve just 10 months of an 18 year sentence.

It was a major shock that Howard - then the self-proclaimed hardest Home Secretary in living memory - had freed two of the most dangerous criminals in Britain. The Home Office said they had been pardoned for helping to get illegal arms off the streets and providing information which helped smash a Turkish drug trafficking ring. But no one was ever arrested in the raids and within days of his release, Haase was back running his criminal empire - and claiming he had bribed his way out of jail.

Sources close to the 55-year-old allege that up to £4.5million was handed out to various people to pave the way for their release. Haase was also a close friend of Simon Bakerman, a small-time Liverpool drugs dealer, who happens to be Michael Howard's cousin. Howard was known to visit the Bakerman family regularly, especially when he went on to watch his beloved Liverpool FC. Howard has for years denied any wrong-doing. There is certainly no suggestion that Howard knew anything of Haase's alleged bribery. But now, with a new inquiry and the imminent release of Home Office records, he faces even more searching questions. Today, the Daily Record can shed fresh light on the murky deals that led to the release of Haase - and tell for the first time of how Ferris played a major role as a fixer.

Ferris spent time in Manchester after being found not guilty of the murder of gangster Arthur Thompson's son, Fatboy, in 1992. There, he hooked up with exiled Glasgow gangster Rab Carruthers, then a powerful criminal in the north-west of England. In 1993, while Haase was in jail waiting for his trial on drug trafficking, he sent a delegation to see Ferris and Carruthers. Ferris said: 'These guys said Haase and Bennett had been offered a deal. If they gave information on the whereabouts of illegal arms, they would receive a lighter sentence for the drugs. 'They wanted to know if they should go ahead with this deal. Could they trust the cops?
'Tam McGraw, The Licensee, had been playing this game in Glasgow for years. I knew for a fact the cops simply forgot about one guy's serious RTA offences. Another bloke wanted on a murder charge was allowed home from exile in Spain for one last free Christmas with his family before being lifted.

'Both deals were secured by trading arms. 'I told Haase's men that McGraw's trick was to buy these arms from dealers. These were guns that never had been, or would ever be, used in crime. 'It was a kind of double con but nobody cared. The dealers got paid,the accused got a deal and the cops looked good. Everyone won. 'During one gun amnesty, a senior Strathclyde police officer was on TV proudly presenting all the arms they had taken off the street. 'Pride of place was a Kalashnikov. When have you heard of a Kalashnikov being used in Scotland? Apart from that guy Noel Ruddle taking a maddie and shooting folk a few years ago? 'That gun and a stack of others had simply been traded and the players kept their shooters.'

Official documents show Haase and Bennett did give tip-offs leading to the recovery of a huge amount of arms including Kalashnikov assault weapons, Armalite rifles, Thompson machine guns, Uzi sub-machine guns, 80 new shotguns, ammunition and a massive load of Semtex explosive.

Sometimes the cops described the finds as 'major arm stores of the IRA'. But we now know Haase's gang planted the arsenals in various locations around the north-west of England. Customs also gave the pair credit for the recovery of large amounts of ecstasy and cannabis and the location of a heroin factory. Haase gave information on a handgun that had been smuggled into Strangeways prison in Manchester as part of an alleged breakout plan. At that time, Strangeways housed several IRA terrorists. Yet not one individual was arrested in connection with any of these tip-offs.

In 1996, Haase and Bennett were found guilty of smuggling £18million of heroin into Britain from Turkey. However, before they were sentenced, counsel for the two men approached trial judge David Lynch. They supplied him with reports from Customs, the National Criminal Intelligence Service, the police and the Crown Prosecution Service. All the agencies claimed both Haase and Bennett had co-operated following their arrests and asked that they be given a reduced sentence. Customs' case was put forward by Paul Cooke who was also Haase and Bennett's handler. Some of Cooke's colleagues were deeply unhappy at his actions. Still, Judge Lynch gave the pair 18 years, a light sentence given the amount of drugs involved. Afterwards, he wrote to then Home Secretary, Michael Howard, suggesting he may 'exercise the Royal Prerogative of mercy' for their help.

Different from a Royal Pardon - an acceptance that someone has been unjustly convicted - the Royal Prerogative is meant to be used for guilty, convicted men who have acted with great bravery on behalf of the state. Granting the Royal Prerogative is entirely in the Home Secretary's power. Howard agreed and less than a year after their conviction, Haase and Bennett were freed. But instead of disappearing, Haase continued to run the criminal empire he had built up through extreme violence.

A well-known Liverpool gangster said of that time: 'Haase had just had the luckiest of breaks and escaped going to jail till he was an OAP. You'd think he would have kept a low profile. 'Yet the day after he got out of the nick, he was peddling smack openly. It was as if he thought he was immune to prosecution, licensed to commit crime. 'When the cops didn't lift him, I started to believe his boasts that he had bribed a lot of powerful people.'

Local MP Peter Kilfoyle, in whose Liverpool Walton constituency the drugs had been found, was outraged by Haase and Bennett's release and immediately started asking questions. The night before he was due to raise the matter in the House of Commons for the first time, he received a phone call from Howard.

Kilfoyle said: 'Howard asked me not to raise the issue because lives were at stake. 'We might have been in opposition but he was the Home Secretary. Thinking he meant our police or Customs officers were at risk, I withdrew the question. Now I'm wondering if it was Haase and Bennett he meant were at risk.'

But Haase couldn't stay out of jail forever. Five years after his release, a 46year-old from Dumbarton, Walter Kirkwood, was stopped by the cops in a hire car as he sped north from Merseyside. In the car, police found a bag holding an Uzi machine pistol, a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum revolver, 170 rounds of banned 9mm ammunition and 49 rounds of .38 illegal dum-dum bullets. That deadly cargo had been bound for the streets of Glasgow - and Kirkwood had been paid a mere£400 for the job by Haase.

At the start of his trial,Hasse roared at the judge: 'You can't try me. Only the Prime Minister can try me.' Haase's protests were to no avail. He was sentenced to 13 years in prison.
Kilfoyle never stopped campaigning for the truth, asking questions in parliament of the Paymaster General, the ultimate head of Customs and Excise. In March 2001, he said in the House of Commons:

'It is my belief that Haase and Bennett set up the arms caches in Liverpool and the smuggling of a gun into the prison. 'I ask the Paymaster General whether her department, for example, has interviewed Paul Ferris about Haase and Bennett's attempts at weapons purchases?' Kilfoyle went on: 'In Liverpool, it was generally thought that the gun caches that were given up to Customs were an insurance policy for Haase and Bennett. 'There is deep concern that Customs and Excise have been gravely misled by two practiced liars.'

Kilfoyle believes he has never received satisfactory answers - and is still asking questions on the subject three years later. Referring to Haase's claims that he bribed his way out of prison, Kilfoyle added:

'I should also put it on record that one name that is always mentioned in this context is that of a local criminal, Simon Bakerman, a man who has done time for drug-related offences. 'The allegation is repeated time after time and it merits somebody, looking into what, after all, would be a conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. 'I repeat - was Paul Ferris interviewed about the gun purchases of Haase and Bennett?'

Last night, Ferris said: 'I've never been interviewed about this matter. 'But if there is to be an investigation, let's hope it's truly independent and not another case of cops covering up for cops.'
Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Tarique Ghaffur has been ordered to investigate the affair. He will re-interview all the main players, including Cooke. But this time, Simon Bakerman will be called to give his version of events. Kilfoyle added:

'It is important for the public to understand the consequences of the decision to release these gangsters, when the man who made it is asking them to vote him into the highest political office. 'It showed great incompetence. I welcome the police investigation but it will be difficult for the people of Liverpool to forgive Michael Howard or his disastrous decision that led to the city being further swamped with drugs and guns.'

A Scottish police officer added: 'The load of guns and bullets Haase was sending to Glasgow was lethal. It wasn't the first consignment of guns he had sent up here. We have little to thank Michael Howard for in granting that evil man the Royal Prerogative.'

A spokesman for Howard's office said: 'This is a matter for the Metropolitan Police but all the procedures were followed. 'He has nothing to hide and the papers will show that.'

Ends

I would say it shows a level of incompetence, bad judgement and possible nepotism in a Home Secretary who, by the very dint of his office, should have known better, wouldn’t you?

Apologies to all my readers.......

So sorry not to have kept you all enthralled with my regular writings. I've been away on tour with a production of Romeo and Juliet (don't think Shakespeare, OK?) and have just returned ready to continue with my regular notes about life and the good old U-of-K (is there an anagram to be had here?) . Reason 9 for not voting for Michael Howard and a further installement of "The Making of Demcracy" will follow shortly (bet you can all hardly wait). Until then, try and be patient and read something of worth to keep your mind limbered up for my next offering.............Love and hugs. Doris.

Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 8

8) I BELIEVE THE PUNISHMENT SHOULD FIT THE CRIME.

Wrong: Such a cursory statement, lifted straight from a Gilbert and Sullivan musical, to try and cover such a diverse problem merely proves Mr Howard’s unsuitability when it comes to making valued, in-depth judgements about far bigger issues. Here is a man (I use the word "man" in its loosest possible sense) who patches together his policy on crime and criminality with a quote from an operetta! Like the majority of his speeches of late, they are just “cut and paste” efforts......you know, cross out “dog” and insert “goldfish”; it wouldn’t surprise me if he doesn’t turn up to the next Common’s debate in a sea-captain’s uniform, sword under arm telling everyone that he really should be the next Prime Minister as he’s “the very model of a modern major-general.”

Now, you may think that it’s OK to have a Prime Minister who quotes from turn of the century musical pieces in order to formulate policy; maybe you'd feel better if we had a leader who’s well versed in the plebian arts, can whistle snatches from most G&S operettas and all of Lloyd-Webber's "Cats" gig and who has an aesthetic goal based on the word "punishment" for the betterment of our society being in charge.........with ‘their finger on the button’; Coward once spelt out a truism when he wrote, “Strange how potent cheap music is”.

OK, let’s forget for a moment that the line quoted in the opening of this discussion is actually from a musical (I use the word "musical" in its loosest possible sense here too) let's try not to, destroy too many dreams by stating……IT’S NOT REAL LIFE; let’s disregard both those points for a moment.....but how would you feel if that person did something as childish as make musicals his muse for policy formulation AND then STILL mis-read the message in the song? I say, be worried; be very, very worried. You want proof…..OK, read on.

In a reprise of earlier idiocy, Howard used a line from West Side Story, "I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived" in one of his speeches to show how youth blamed everyone else but themselves for their wrongdoing and the state of the nation...........ring any bells anyone? When Howard quoted those lines I thought, “Never has someone so seemingly intelligent misinterpreted a musical’s central message so badly ". “I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived" has nothing to do with youth’s get-out clause, it’s a statement of fact; listen, Mr Howard, and I’ll try and break it down for you.

It’s a line that firstly states the inherent difficulties surrounding youth when they are rudderless, penniless, unemployed and undervalued. In a society that is framed by a winner-loser nice guys finish last mentality, that has a government who holds cheating and lying, stealing and denying as the way to get ahead in life and leaders and role models who class success as the amount of jewellery you wear and the number of times you eat out in a week. The lives of juveniles who have no hope of getting out of their circumstances are constantly held up to ridicule by the 3g society we live in………Get on, Get honour, Get honest. “I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived" is a statement that asks for help, understanding and support, a wake-up call to those who have the power to create a better society for the individual and the nation to do so…..meaningfully; to re-use your other quote from that same speech but change the emphasis, "Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease". It’s a social disease because the germs for infection are in the bloodstream of our society after it was injected with Thatcher’s “fuck ‘em all” doctrine. It’s now a society where the individual sees only itself as important and at the expense of the majority; that it really is alright to sell arms in order for brutes to dominate the foolish masses and butcher children; s’got to be, after all, Thatcher's son makes a good living out of it and look where it's got her and him.

Society, by its role models, its ideologies and its doctrines give young people the scaffold upon which to base their behaviour and their level of care; if we furnish them with the right role models we get a good payback. As it is we furnished them with the roles and role models of Mr Howard Esq. and the last Tory government; is it any wonder we’ve got the problems we have now?

Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 7

7) THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WANT TO SCRAP AUTOMATIC LIFE SENTENCES FOR; MURDER. I DON’T.

Wrong: Mr Howard shows a complete lack of understanding of crime and culpability with this statement. By using such big-stick statements, he shows the shallowness of his approach but the true depth of his policies; and his political history is all the more scary than his present-day ignorance. In his maiden speech to the House, Howard told the assembled masses how he’d have no problem with the re-introduction of the death penalty. We’ve watched as the real reasons and causes for the majority of high-profile murder cases during the Tory reign (namely the lack of funds, bad management, break up of communities, loss of employment, poor housing, poor services, dog-eat-dog Tory doctrines, poor health services, means testing, poor teaching support, an imbecile for a Home secretary and a group of self-serving politicos who were shagging and cheating their way through political life and so had little time and no right to teach by example) saw them shifting the blame away from the part their own policies played in these terrible cases onto young offenders, lone parents, social workers, prison governors and others. Never any admittance that they just might have had a hand in these events; it was as if they were divorced from the happenings........Howard’s full-time strategy throughout his time in politics actually; and his unnerving ideas about how to treat our fellow human beings goes deeper…….and younger.

The vast majority of his pronouncments about schooling are negative. He talks about expulsion, corporal punishment, discipline and physical degradation, nothing about support or more specialist teachers to help those many strugglers in the classroom. He once said, “How does it help parents instil discipline if they are told that they cannot smack their children? Why can't teachers discipline disruptive pupils any more?” The man's ignorance and imbecility knows no bounds. So far off the pace is he that he seems not to know that survey after survey has proved that violence just begets violence………but then, this is the man who really thinks that “Prison Works”.

With the doctrines he spouts forth he gives us a problem for every solution, and that’s what he wants to do……Divide and Rule, remember? Every now and then he seems to realise that he’s overstepped the mark and tries to show his compassionate side, and yet trips himself up time after time, like with his bleatings about the Iraq war....."If I'd known then what I know now......" The words "horse", "stable-door" and "bolted" come to mind; that was his "compassionate side" showing itself, then getting buried pretty rapidly when he supported the continuation of the death penalty for the armed forces; that’ll make everyone serving in Iraq sleep soundly in their beds tonight, won’t it?

Political History: The Making of the First Democracy. Chapter 8

The “Top-Man” mode of approach to alleviate any attack of the munchies had been gleaned from a recent encounter with a large group of Plan’s Lions, that had been spotted disporting themselves some safe distance away, whilst our humanoid group were out hunting……again. Luckily, or so it seemed at the time, the group of lions had been in clear view, almost as if they didn’t mind being seen, and some three-hundred yards distant from the now emboldened hunters. Even those as sportingly challenged as our ancestors could run to safety if an attack was launched from that distance, and the single tree the hunters had gathered under gave them an ideal position from which to tease their permanent enemies; here was a chance for pay-back, albeit from a distance of three-hundred yards; it was sweet at any distance. So began trunk-call babbling as the gang sent the stone-age equivalent of “Yahhhhh, Booo, Bollocks to you, you fat lion-pig!” echoing across the plains………… Eventually one of the group of lions stood up, stretching and yawning, and the hunter’s attention was locked onto him in case a fast exit was called for……………

Some heard it, some even saw it, some definitely felt it as, from the uppermost branches of the tree the men were gathered under, the six-hundred-and-fifty-pound male Plain’s Lion plummeted into the assembled, pre-occupied thicket of humanoid stupidity flailing its clawful way through four of the assembled yobs before it hit the ground. It only remained for the other decoy Plain’s Lions to get up, stretch, yawn, then amble across the three hundred yards distance that separated them from their newly laid dinner table for them to enjoy an impromptu al fresco meal, all of them grinning like Cheshire’s at the fast-lane departure of those once so brave and the pit-lane remainder of these now so dead.

There was one good thing to come out of this debacle, however, for the surprise of the attack was not lost on the escaping group, and had they have been capable of having a collective thought, they’d’ve realised their stupidity in being caught out like that; but when you’re this stupid it’s difficult to think you’re stupid. Nevertheless the level of shock had made its mark on them; claw-mark in fact, on three fleeing rumps and an escaping chest. It was the entire grunt around the rudimentary fire of that night’s gathering, the element of “surprise”. Here was a potent weapon that could help in the never-ending search for a full belly, could turn the tide of failure and make something else out of it, there being no word for success then as showbiz agents and the English language was sadly lacking; however, what the opposite to failure was occurred a few days later.

Out one day, the group had been gathering berries as they struggled to find enough to eat and berries were less of a struggle than a large antelope would be, when they surprised a very irate female wild pig and her brood as she was sheltering under a particularly thick bramble. As one, the group of berry-collecting humanoids scattered leaving all to fend for themselves. Our leader of the pack, who was standing at that moment under a tall hawthorn, clambered up it in three deft movements; he quickly fell to earth with a scream as his hand found a particularly vicious and uncompromising thorn. With twelve feet between him and solid ground it could have ended badly, but fortunately his fall was broken by the convenient placing of a fourteen-week-old piglet underneath him just as it was scampering off after the rest of the family. It didn’t take long, three weeks in fact, before the correlation between the death of the piglet (and the succulent meal it made) and the surprise attack by the Plain’s Lion that dropped from the tree hit them! They had done the same thing, ambushed the enemy (lunch) from a lofty position; “surprised” it in fact.

This opened everyone’s eyes to possibilities beyond previous thinking. Our leader took the credit, and for that also that neat little blonde he’d had his eye on for a week or more, and as he departed behind his rock with her, he grunted that he’d deliberately dropped on the piglet, meant it all along in fact, that the Plain’s Lion attack had set him thinking and he’d been waiting for the opportunity to try the tactic out. He returned to the impressed group after forty-six seconds of frenzied love-making and, when it was suggested by the group that the same “dropping-from-height” tactic be undertaken on tomorrow’s bear-hunt, our leader was sharp enough to offer the signal honour of overhead tackler to his deputy, the next in line for chiefdom should anything happen to him; (over someone else’s dead body it would). Our leader’s grunting made sense, at least to them, as he described how important it was for everyone to try the tactic so that complete role-reversal became an available option to the group; and you can imagine the intricacies of the grunt in order to explain that little lot.

Not wanting to seem un-deserving of leadership (after all it’d worked on the pig) the next in line agreed. So, the following day our present leader, at a single stroke (well, four actually, the bear’s aim was off that day) rid himself of any immediate challenge and invented the ‘Double Whammy’. Those who remained, after that day, the day that would be forever known as “the bear-hunt day that claimed six lives”, had to sort out a pecking order amongst themselves before they could get organised enough to mount any fresh challenge for leadership; now, back to our other pig.

Political History: The Making of the First Democracy. Chapter 7

The importance of timing rvealed itself a couple of weeks later when a particularly succulent but young and stupid wild boar had dodged the flashing clubs of our intrepid and ever-hungry crew. Pausing only to collect the arm of one of the hunters that ventured too close (young and stupid he may have been, but this boar still had tusks and a scything action that would make Crocodile Dundee look like a pen-knife-wielding-twig-whittler) the squealing pig had scuttled through the bush, all the while chomping on the well muscled and unexpected lunch-nee-limb, and darted into a large cave at the base of a sheer cliff that had, up until the cave was found, threatened to become it’s last stand.

Our gang of still-intrepid but now very cautious pursuers had, as a man, skidded to a halt about thirty feet from the mouth of the cave. Not only were they not now a full complement in the skull-crushing-limb department (limb-nee-lunch, remember) but here they were, at the place where their prospective luncheon and missing limb had disappeared, a dark cave…… whatever the reasoning, it was very sensible to tread softly just around here. Yes, it was true, these sorts of places could act as shelters when the extremes of weather that bounced around the world at this time threatened to gather you up and flush you over the nearest cliff. They could, however, also harbour one of the many and varied carnivore’s that stalked, prowled and ambushed the landscape and who had the capability to rapidly turn a bad-weather refuge into the Stone Age equivalent of a fast-food outlet.

Unseen to the now flummoxed hunting party, our wild pig became a positively incandescent pig (albeit very fleetingly) when he scuttled along the cave-floor in certainty of a clean escape from the butcher’s-of-the-bog outside only to run into the welcoming yet terrible final embrace of a cave-bear.

This cave bear, whose stature and wrestling ability would have put Mongoush to shame, had spent some time sorting out this particular retreat. He’d made it his own, far away from the hub-bub of what passed for modern life. Here he could spend hours just relaxing, filing and sharpening his talons on an eighty-foot redwood he’d uprooted and dragged in one rainy day, making himself ready for his next blistering attack on anything that came within sprinting distance. This was one son-of-a-bitch cave bear that even gang’s of Plain’s Lions moved over for, that mastodon’s passed their next bowel movement most rapidly for. Anything with half a brain, which certainly included the majority of the human population on earth at the time, knew for absolute certainty that the swagger of an approaching cave bear meant trouble; trouble spelt A.R.M.A.G.E.D.D.O.N.; couldn’t have been more obvious even if he’d’ve carried a flag with “Imminent Death Squad” written on it and wore a white “T” shirt with “DON’T FUCK WITH ME-NOT NOW-NOT EVER!” printed on it. This was one mean bastard of a cave bear.

Snoozing gently in his cave, this bear could hardly believe his luck as he heard then viewed the startled boar’s gallop, unfinished arm all a-flop, into oblivion; the bear just lay there obscured by a rock until the hapless beast was almost past him then sent the boar to that great-pig-sty-in–the-sky with a single, brutal slash of a paw that silenced all protest, instantly, and who’s power and accuracy would’ve put a Hymac back-actor to shame.

Meanwhile, outside the cave, the puzzled group of cheap-suited huntsmen decided to gather round the mouth of the cave and make themselves ready for an ambuscade. Just how the group was divided was sorted out after much discussion……and three well-aimed blows by our leader that split the group and three ears in two. The now chastened group took up guard at various points around the mouth of the cave to await developments. It seemed obvious the wild boar would have to come out at some time in the very near future, if not to forage then driven out by its own stench. If they lay quiet and still for long enough they could gain a meal with little effort for the element of surprise was now on their side, and a wild boar would be no match for their concerted attack, particularly one laid out with such cunning as this one was………and included the New Labour Saving Tactic; “Top-Man”.

Michael Howard - 11 Reasons Not to Vote for Him - Reason 6

6) SOME PEOPLE THINK PUNISHMENT IS A DIRTY WORD. MR BLAIR SAYS SHOPLIFTERS SHOULD GET OFF WITH A FINE - THE SAME PENALTY YOU GET FOR PARKING ON A YELLOW LINE. I DON’T.

Wrong – And seriously alarming: By trivialising the issue, scoring political points, Howard weakens the case for anyone, particularly himself from actually doing something socially responsible to help people who may just be in difficulties. What does he suggest we give a convicted shoplifter who has a mental instability; six months, a year, life? (At least that way they’ll not do it again according to point 4). Nowhere and in no statement he has made does Howard suggest finding out why? Why? Because that costs too much money and takes up too much time to get a result that will get him elected again. At the Co-operation to Reduce Recidivism Workshop in Helsinki it was reported, by the UK delegation, that reconviction rates of prisoners on release in the UK have remained consistently and unacceptably high for many years and the present situation labelled as a phenomenon known as the "revolving prison door". The likelihood concerning rates of crime was reported as follows:

Care as child 13 times more likely to commit crime
School exclusion 20 times more likely
Unemployed 12 times more likely

(Keep those figures in mind as you read down this file; they prove interesting, particularly in 1994.)

I quote; "The situation is even worse in the case of short-term (sentence of less than 12 months) prisoners." (Those people who were convicted for shoplifting for the first time that Howard seems to want to lock up.) "This group represents the largest proportion of prison admissions annually, and has the highest rates of adult reconviction. They also have amongst the highest levels of social exclusion and need. Their relatively short period in prison means they have received little input on offending behaviour or resettlement whilst in prison. In addition, if over 21 they are not subject to probation supervision on release. There is a real risk that prison might make factors associated with re-offending worse. Many return to prison during the same or following years."

Now, the case in point for Howard's "get tough" campaign that will probably figure in the press in the near future will be the welcoming back to the Tory fold of the serial criminal, Lord Archer, a man seemingly unable to tell truth from fiction. He will be treated sympathetically if he decided to ask to rejoin the party, to get his old job back, just like all those other criminals that Howard has such plans for when they get out after a stretch.

Prison Works? A report stated that, “While prison removes from circulation certain categories of violent offender, and addresses justified popular demands for the punishment of heinous crimes, in most cases it provides a publicly funded higher education in offending. The experience of the last five years, prisons crowded to bursting point, alongside a rise in violence and social dislocation offer evidence that radical alternatives to prison are urgently needed. We are alarmed in particular by the high proportion imprisoned for non-violent and often trivial offences, such as non-payment of fines, and we reject unequivocally the return of prison-ships and the shackling of women prisoners giving birth.” The figures speak for themselves:

75% of prisoners were unemployed before they went inside
46% had drink problems
35% had drug problems
33% had been in care
28% had chronic housing problems
15% had mental disorders
10% had tried to commit suicide
(1994 figures) Those ones I mentioned above

And these were the figures known by Howard when he was Home Secretary, yet he still continued to preach the vengeance theory of social reform, bless his little cotton socks.

So, where do you think Howard figures in all of this? Well, if you forget everything else in the previous 5 points below and the other 6 to come, remember ONE THING. Howard and the government he supported and served in laid out the foundation stones for this present-day outcome on the bedrock of criminality in our society when they destroyed communities and their livelihoods, when they overcrowded prisons, cut educational time, and preached the bang ’em up and punishment mantras, all the while trying to coerce the public into believing that prison works. All it did was alienate of whole section of our community as Howard, through lack of intellect, lack of interest and gross ineptitude swept the problem under the carpet; we’re reaping the benefit of those doctrines now. Then, through successive years of Tory government, Thatcher, Howard and their divisive policies cemented those foundation stones together to build the edifice we gaze upon today......the edifice that Howard seems to think we believe he had no part in building.