Stevie Wonder Blunder

September 25^th – Oftentimes there’s a press announcement where you can’t quite get hold of the angle. You know, use of language where obfustication seems to be the main aim. In the realm of the Red Tops of the world that’s never an issue, of course; the strapline says it all, ergo:

The factual short shocker headline: -

‘BIGFOOT KEPT LUMBERJACK AS SLAVE’ – Weekly World News – which also had the lesser quote by the man’s ‘outraged wife’ ‘He’s no longer the man I married’. Really? No shit, Sherlock.

The ‘everything you need to know but were afraid to ask’ long form headline:- ‘WOMAN IN SUMO SUIT ASSAULTED HER EX-GIRLFRIEND IN GAY PUB AFTER SHE WAVED AT MAN DRESSED AS SNICKERS BAR’ – The Daily Record

The ‘would you believe it’ headline:- ‘ONE GAY MAN, TWO LESBIANS A THREE-LEGGED CAT AND A POISON CURRY PLOT’ – Daily Mail

The ‘double-entendre’ headline:- ELTON TAKES DAVID UP THE AISLE’ – The Sun

The ‘play on words’ headline:- ‘HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR’ – The New York Post

And my absolute favourite,

The ‘inside knowledge/popular culture reference’ headline

This one about football and the shock defeat of Celtic (1 goal) by Inverness (3 goals). Inverness were known as Caledonian Thistle but had the nickname, ‘Caley’, So the headline ran: - ‘SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS’ – The Sun

Hats off from me. Although there are some amongst us who consider the Ugandan Times headline;

‘PASTOR KEWEWEESI IN BUM SEX SCANDAL’

who then compounded the felony by seeking to explain any misunderstandings surrounding this strapline by adding;

‘BOY DRAGS FLASHY MAN OF GOD TO POLICE FOR TERRORISING HIS BUTTOCKS WITH MONSTER WHOPPER’

A candidate for fail.org I’d suggest.

Stevie Wonder; what comes to mind with that? Is it his hits, his overcoming of personal difficulties to become one of America’s most well-respected performers, his political activism, his support for charities, his stalwart support of peace initiatives, his Grammy awards (22) his Academy award, the amicability of his marriage break-up and his continued support for his children…what?

His music has never been an interest of mine, not because I consider it to be a lesser form, I don’t, its just that I’ve never been a Tamla-type, not even when some of the earlier bands I gigged with covered Tamla Motown hits as part of their show. Just never was my thing. However, as in many disciplines where I don’t actually connect with the source material, I recognised the talent Mr. Wonder displayed. The album, Songs in the Key of Life, released in ‘76’ really was a landmark recording with popular writing such as Isn’t She Lovely riding alongside standout and overtly political/racial statements such as Black Man and deeply personal songs like, I Wish; by that album alone he deserves recognition. All this goodness, then, only gives the threat of adverse publicity greater importance which is what happened on this day in 2012 when a couple of con-men, Messer’s Walker and Diaz, were sentenced to 9 months imprisonment. Their crime was that they had cobbled together some film footage and had then tried to blackmail Mr. Wonder, to the tune of $5m. The film footage would, in the words of the successful prosecution’s case, have shown Stevie Wonder in, a negative light.

That just started me thinking, what they could possibly have on that film, a film of what is, essentially, arguably, a pop-saint that could be SO derogatory to put him his career and all he has done in a negative light? I mean, it’s going to have to be something as tabloid-worthy as him dressed in neoprene whipping a fallow deer to death, or indulging in group sex with underage Yaks, hasn’t it? So I got to trying to work out what it could be and I landed on the tale; it was about him having said in an interview about Frank Ocean’s coming out and that was used as the story strapline;

‘SOME PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE GAY, THEY’RE CONFUSED’ – The Guardian.

Wow! Talk about controversial, Stevie!

But then you go and spoil it all by immediately apologising, saying sorry if my remarks had made people misunderstand their love!

That sort of apologetic talk is a crime against tabloids and should be stamped out immediately, otherwise how can we justify our gutter-headline jocularity? I mean, with that apology you destroyed my headline, which was all ready to go: -

‘PLAY-A-GAY: STEVIE’S SUPERSTITION ON FRANK CALL TO SAY I LOVE YOU LEAVES WONDER UPTIGHT AND OCEAN ON THE HIGHER GROUND’

I thangyou…