TOP GEAR - AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESENTERS

OK, you foot-pedal fuckwits! You are the spawn of Thatcherism and I’ve had enough of watching you dodge tanks and helicopters, race each other to “Some Trendy Skiing Resort or Other”, squeal round race tracks “just to show what a good driver I am” and whinge on about how put-upon the poor old motorist in the four-wheel truck is. I’ve worked out a way to make our roads safer and less congested, apart from fucking you lot off’f it that is. I reckon that actions and legislation like those listed below are the only way to create a relatively safer and longer-lasting environment for us all (even you lot, though you don’t deserve it) and although the rules listed below won’t suit petrol-penises like your good selves, well, tough titty.


Driving a Car: - Most insurers (see “Road Tax and Insurance” below) are really reluctant to grant insurance to anyone less than 21 years of age for less than a squillion pounds……and that’s third party f&t mind…… Bearing this in mind, the age limit at which a car can be driven (see “Driving Instruction and Tests” below) will be raised to 21 years old. Anyone found driving a car before this age will be subject to a £5000 fine and a 10 year ban. If that person is in the company of others then those passengers, whatever their involvement (except, maybe, if they are the victim of a kidnap attempt..............maybe) are also subject to the same punishment.

Road Tax and Insurance: - These charges will be scrapped and added onto fuel prices reviewed annually in the budget as of now. This will mean those who use the roads most or burn vats-full of fuel by squealing round car parks with their mates will pay most towards the upkeep of our highways…………the latter just for their stupidity actually. The “tax” part of the fuel charge will go straight into government coffers, the “insurance” part of the fuel charge will go into a central fund and be spread amongst any insurers operating in this field. A sliding scale based on the percentage of the total number of driver's insured will deem how much each insurance company receives; those insuring the most drivers gaining the most payout, those insuring the least, the least payout. Each insurance company will deposit 15% of their total profit each year into a general “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. In the event of an insurance company going bust, the remaining insurance companies will have the now uninsured driver’s spread equally onto their books at no extra charge the car drivers’. These insurers remaining will then seek recompense from the “We’ve gone bust, sorry” fund. The only insurance level allowed will be Fully Comprehensive and all insurance companies will, in the first instance and regardless as to who is to blame in the event of any accident or mishap, be legally required to cover and pay for all legal, medical-and-claims-for-damages costs and awards of those involved in any incident. The insurance company/ies involved will then have the opportunity to claim against the guilty party/ies for financial redress, the person/s involved having their licence removed until payment is made in full for all claims. All repairs and any health and rehabilitation costs of those innocent parties involved will also be guaranteed for payment by the insurance companies. This payment will then be gathered back from the guilty party in the incident, it will be at the insurer’s expense to recover this payment; it’s about time they actually got involved in the day-to-day costs of the “driving experience”.

Driving Instruction and Tests: - In line with the “Driving a Car” paragraph above, the age level at which one can obtain a licence will obviously be raised to 21 years-of-age with a special clause inserted (to be known as the “Big Exhaust-Small Penis Codicil”) for anyone with a non-standard, large-bore exhaust on their car, inappropriate spoiler or anything other than the standard loudspeakers fitted by the manufacturer of their vehicle. All such “vehicle beautification” culprits will be required to have their car fitted with carpets that are impregnated with ‘odour of dogshit’ and these will remain in the vehicle until they get these items removed……oh yes, and anyone wearing a baseball cap whilst driving will be shot on sight, you look nothing like Michael Schumacher, you just look stupid! Anyone found driving a car before the age of 21 will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and be disqualified from driving for life for the third offence. All driving tests will be upgraded and the “Advanced Driver’s Test” of today will become the normal driving test entry level.

Traffic Police: - Core funding (minimum staffing levels, property bases – that’s police stations to you thick buggers – one-off capital bids, legal costs etc) to be met from central government funds; all other funding (extra staff, extra/new equipment, overtime, the Policeman’s Ball, etc) to be met from successful prosecutions, fines, on-the-spot-charges, car confiscations and subsequent sales etc, including all the fine levels listed throughout this document. Each region will have its own force and they will compete each year for a 5-million-pound prize, the winner being the force with the most successful convictions for speeding in any 12-month period.

Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 1: - There will be a zero-tolerance strategy implemented. From 1st July 2005 it will be illegal to drive with ANY level of alcohol in the bloodstream AT ALL, indeed, so sensitive will be the equipment mentioned below, it may even be illegal to drive after sucking on a wine gum. To cut down on the possibility of this law being breached, research will be entered into immediately that will come up with an in-car breathalyzer that is part of the car’s ignition system. Drivers will have to breathe into a dash-mounted tube and any reading of alcohol on the breath will render the car’s ignition system out of commission. To stop other’s breathing into the tube for the rat-arsed driver, each dash-mounted tube will carry a trigger-grip that has to be held in order for the breathalyser to work which will have a copy of the driver’s palm print as part of the ignition system. The steering wheel will also house the same palm-print and be linked to the ignition allowance system. These print recognition systems will also drastically reduce the incidence of car theft. Anyone who lays their hands on awheel that dos not match their print will have a blast of purple powder showered over them that will only wear off after several weeks. This will cloud up the inside of the car making visbility zero and subtlety less than complete. All cleaning of the said motor car will be charged to the purple people which they will pay for and carry out as part of their punishment.

Drink-Driving: Strategy for Reduction 2: – Anyone found driving a vehicle with any level of alcohol in their bloodstream will be fined £3,000 and banned for 5 years for the first offence, fined £10,000 and disqualified for 10 for the second offence and a £20,000 fine and disqualified for life for the third. There will be no mitigating circumstances allowed in court, indeed no 'not-guilty' plea either; y' drank it, y' did it, now fuck off. There will be no leave for appeal and all drivers convicted for first and second offences will have to undergo and pass another, far stricter, extra-advanced driving test before being allowed back into a motor vehicle. Second conviction motorists will also have to undergo a full term of Alcoholics Anonymous strategies and teachings as well as complete a period of work for an inner-city A&E Unit.

Speeding: - There will be new speed limits put on our roads and they will be as follows: -

All roads with speed/traffic calming devices- 15mph

All other areas designated as “Built Up” and on single track/”country” type roads - 25mph

Ordinary “B” type roads - 50mph

Ordinary “A” type roads – 60mph

Dual Carriageways – 70mph

Motorways - 100mph

A plus figure of 4mph will be given as leeway for the designated speed levels on our highways. Any speed above this level is an offence and as such will be subject to the following levels of punishment.

First Offence - £1000 fine and a mandatory 3-month ban.

Second Offence - £1500 fine and a mandatory 1-year disqualification plus a re-test before renewal of licence.

Third Offence - £2000 fine and a mandatory 5-year disqualification plus 12 months community service in a local A&E unit and a re-test before renewal of licence.

Fourth Offence - £5000 fine and a mandatory life disqualification and 12 months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below).

All fine payments will be deducted automatically from wage or benefit payments. Anyone found driving during their banned period will have an automatic life-time disqualification and eighteen months in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below). If a third-party has knowingly allowed the disqualified driver access to their car then that person will also be subjected to a life disqualification.

Car Lifestyle Changes: – There are several sections here.

1) Speed control software will be fitted to all cars to regulate maximum speeds and conform to those new mandatory speed limits mentioned above.

2) All cars will be fitted with a self-cleaning BarCode plate. This will be etched onto the underside of the vehicle and form part of a National Vehicle Register. Laser, BarCode readers will be embedded in the road’s surface at all cross-roads, “T” junctions, traffic and pedestrian lights. Any vehicle that has a BarCode that is unreadable will be subject to an ignition cut off activated at the first BarCode reader they encounter. This will render the car un-start-able until the BarCode is either cleaned or replaced. In each offence of the above the driver will be fined £6,000 and be banned for 5 years for the first offence - £10,000 and disqualified for 15 years for the second offence and £15,000, disqualified for life plus 3 years in a special prison (see “Driver’s Prisons” below) and in each case the vehicle will be impounded, re-BarCoded and sold by the police at auction. This BarCode recognition will also form part of the car’s safety features. It will have to be punched into a special key to unlock the car and fire-up the ignition/breathalyser start-up procedure. It will also help to remedy the problems police face when engaging in crime detection. BarCoded pathways will be able to trace recent traffic at the signs of accidents, murders, drugs deals and other such nefarious activity.

3) The maximum speed of all cars will be at the manufacturer’s discretion. However, on any car that has a speed capability in excess of the maximum speed limit above i.e. 100mph, there will be a two-phase safety device fitted that will allow the vehicle to be driven either in “Traffic” mode or “Competition” mode. The operation of “Competition” mode will only be activated by a special BarCode Reader which will allow the extra speed; these BarCode Readers will be placed at the entrance to all racing circuits with a reverse action triggered when the vehicle leaves.

4) Incentives to buy and use cars that can only reach the maximum allowable speed (100mph) in the shape of free fuel allowances will be offered to all car users opting for that type of vehicle.

5) Whilst understanding how dangerous and slippery pigeon-shit can be to the average driver on a wet road, the use of four-wheel-drive-off-road vehicles as regualr runabouts will be discouraged. All such vehicles will have a top speed of 30mph, will attract a fuel levy of triple the normal price paid and have to carry, by law, a loudspeaker system that announces, in the inside of the vehicle, “I’m a stupid wanker with the brain the size of a weevil and a sexual inadequacy akin to the size of one of the larger continents’” at 40dcb every thirty seconds of travel.

6) All schools will have a 1-mile parking ban placed around them, excepting, of course, for those who live in the road upon which the school is situated. In these cases and wherever possible, providing this does not interfere with traffic flow, an electric barrier will be erected at each end of the school’s road with householders having a pass in order to get them into the street where they live. As a secondary safety device they’ll have to sing that song too…… To cut down on the use of unauthorised parking in the “school roads”, each house will have its own parking bay and each school will have its own parking attendants; these last will be funded from the police budget. A red/green light will be placed on a pole at each parking bay, the correct car in that space lighting up the green light through its correct and matching BarCode. Any car lighting up the red light will have all four wheels clamped, be towed away, re BarCoded and sold by the police at auction.

7) All use of “Bull-bars” will be banned. Those people who have them fitted at the time of this law enactment will have just 48 hours to get them removed and there will be no compensation for any expense incurred; those people who defy the research into accidents and fatality levels and have continued to fit and drive vehicles with bull-bars deserve nothing for their crass and selfish stupidity. Anyone found with a bull-bar on their vehicle after this date will pay a £3000 fine, be banned from driving for 1 year, attend a six-month stint in a local A&E unit and the car will be impounded, re BarCoded and sold.

8) Parking is a vexing problem. Except in areas of extreme narrowness or in obvious problem areas (dual carriageways, motorways, islands etc), all parking restrictions on highways will be removed. There will be no double parking allowed, however, all vehicles doing so will be immediately disposed of in a portable car-crush as will any vehicle causing an obstruction; there will be no redress or alleviation for car loss and elderly members or children left in said vehicles whilst the owner “just slips into the newsagents” will be crushed along with the vehicle. If this proves to be a popular spectator sport, then the proceeds from any tickets sold will go to the Police Widow’s Federation. On all designated roads, parking bays will be laid out and meters placed on them, as they are now, for payment. To obtain a parking ticket the driver will deposit his keys and palm-print at the meter for his/her bay. This will enable the driver to park and not have to worry about losing his keys and also guarantees payment. The palm print will be read and a fixed parking fee of £1 per hour will be levied onto the driver’s bank account or social security payout centre and collected via direct debit at the end of each month. Default of payment will mean permanent loss of the vehicle involved and withholding of licence until the full amount is paid. Parking will only be allowed in these designated parking places. All other cars found parked “illegally” will be clamped (all four wheels) and owners will only have their car released when they have paid a £400 fine. If the fine is unpaid within a 24 hour period, the vehicle will be removed by the police and either sold at auction or crushed, depending on the re-sale value and the health and temper and general cash-flow of the police authority involved; there will be no storage or reclaiming of such vehicles. All semi-private parking areas (supermarkets, shopping centres etc) will also be required by law to clamp (all four wheels) any vehicle found parking outside a designated parking box. These cars will be given no leeway because they belong to the “Just Getting a Lottery Ticket” or “Just Getting 20 Fags” brigade. They will only be released when the owner has paid a £200 fine that will be donated to a “charity of the week”, the choosing of which is decided upon by the staff of the supermarket or shopping centre. If there is a refusal to pay or no payment after 24 hours, the owners of the parking lot have the right to remove and sell the vehicle through the police strategy, the money going to the charity of choice.

Driver’s Prisons: - Prisons for all those committed for any of the offences mentioned above will be built and funded direct from taxation. These prisons will house inmates who will be required to work on the highways in this country maintaining, repairing and generally looking after their upkeep for which they will be paid the minimum wage, the money being placed in a savings account for the local hospital, drug-dependency unit or A.A. base; this strategy will also release local Council workers for other duties. Prison inmates will wear boiler suits for this outside work and each boiler suit will have the nature of the crime committed by the wearer printed in large letters on the back such as; “Speeding Child Killer” – or – “Alcoholic Driver” – or – “Big Deafening Exhaust User” – or – “Drum ‘N’ Bass Driver”. There will be no general T.V. or games allowed in these prisons. All T.V. programmes will be aimed at making them better, more responsible drivers. Regular visits to local A&E units will be arranged and lectures, education programmes and all methods of health and lifestyle programmes will be an integral part of prison life. All inmates will be required to reach a grade one pass in general first aid and resuscitation techniques before being released from prison.

Road Building: - All new road building will cease and whatever roads we have now will have to cope with the volume of traffic we create. There will be no toll roads or “special highways for important people” as this will only create an avoidance route for politicians and the rich to fudge the traffic issue. Once these roads are full………they’re full; we’re gridlocked; fucked.

Car Ownership: - Each person will be allowed to own as many cars as they like. However, a premium will be levied on each car owned after the first purchase. For owners of a second car the cost of any fuel purchased and the insurance premium they pay as part of that fuel purchase for all vehicles they own will be doubled, for a third car tripled and so on. If more than one car is owned at the same address but by different family members, the cost of fuel to all householders will be doubled.

Disposal of Vehicles: - All vehicles will be taken to central government/police force controlled and owned collection points when they are no longer required; a sort of automobile’s graveyard. Here they will be stripped and crushed then recycled to make new cars. All new cars will have to contain a minimum of 65% recycled material. The service will be offered free of charge and there will be no payment for cars taken there, it will be considered part of your civic duty. The dumping of cars is strictly forbidden and anyone found doing so will be subject to a £25,000 fine and banned from driving for life for the first offence; they will be sent on a daytrip to Longleat and provide entertainment for the lions for their second offence…………

OK, that’s enough for now. The above regulations should successfully reduce the amount of traffic on our roads by about 30+% and really for very little extra cost; just a regrouping of the operating systems and a little more willingness to sort out the offenders, most of them goaded on by your toss-pot programme.

Not Dead, Just De-Composing.

The "No Knee-Jerk Show" opens tomorrow.

I know, I know, I can hear the shouts of "Where are you, Doris, when we most need you?" As is the way with my writings (and I use the word in its widest possible sense) it takes me time to sort out something I consider worthwhile saying. This means I have long gaps between postings; sorry but that's the way it is. Anyhow, I've almost finished a new piece so keep watching and your patience will be rewarded..............or your sensibilities damnned by further drivel. Well drivel it may be, but it's carefully considered drivel........................